Raising an adolescent can make you feel like you have a stranger in your home: Your previously polite, obedient child starts to roll her eyes, make sarcastic remarks, and argue at the slightest provocation. Her moods change quickly, and she sometimes shuts you out without explaining why. With all of these changes, you may feel like your bond with your child - and your position of authority - are being threatened.
Most parents understand that conflict is a normal part of growing up, but that doesn’t make it easier to manage the feeling of being disrespected. You know that your child’s frustration is probably related to her (or his) desire for independence, but you’re not always sure how to set appropriate limits: When is a child old enough to make her own choices about doing homework? How will you know when she’s ready to stay out late, or attend parties without adult supervision? Should you restrict your teen’s social media usage, or will that make it more difficult for her to stay connected with friends?
Handling the complex issues that arise during adolescence can be overwhelming. As a result, some parents are tempted to take a very “black and white” approach when trying to earn their teen’s respect: They become strict disciplinarians or overly permissive. Others resort to lecturing their teen frequently in an attempt to persuade her to make better decisions. When one of these strategies fails, parents will sometimes try the opposite approach, which only causes further confusion for everyone involved.
Amongst all of this chaos, an important truth often gets lost: Respect must go both ways. Many parents get so preoccupied with convincing their teen to respect them that they don’t consider how much respect they’re showing their teen. This is a serious oversight, because when teens don’t feel recognized and validated, they become distant and defensive. Learning how to show respect for your teen’s growing autonomy is essential if you want to cultivate a trusting, collaborative relationship with her.
Understanding Your Teen’s Need for Autonomy
We all need autonomy to function optimally: Both adolescents and adults need to know their needs matter; they also need to have a sense of control over their own lives. When we feel deprived of these things, we become angry and unmotivated.
For teens, the need for autonomy is particularly acute. To build their confidence, teens need to feel like they can successfully operate their own lives. They need to know their choices can influence the world around them and they need to feel useful and valued.
Developmental changes in the adolescent brain also increase the desire for autonomy: Teenagers (both boys and girls) experience a surge of testosterone in early adolescence that propels them to become more assertive. When directed appropriately, testosterone does not necessarily increase aggression, but it is strongly associated with respect-seeking behaviours. To unprepared parents, these behaviours may look like defiance, when in reality they signify the teen’s need to be seen as a worthy peer.
Though this assertiveness often makes teens appear self-assured, adolescents are actually very sensitive to others’ perceptions of them. When teens feel unsupported in their journey toward autonomy, they become hurt and start to “shut down.” Depending on the individual, this may take the form of either withdrawal or confrontation, but the end result is the same: When a teen’s autonomy is threatened, she (or he) becomes defensive and disengaged.
Supporting Your Teen’s Growth: 7 Ways to Demonstrate Respect
When raising a teen, it’s essential to change your parenting strategies: Research shows that many of the techniques that work with younger children become ineffective after age 13. Overt direction - which is often necessary when parenting a small child - feels disrespectful to teens, so they rebel to assert their wants and needs. Being overly protective of your teen, for example, or stepping in to do things for her (when she hasn’t asked for help) can make her feel incapable, untrustworthy, and child-like. Teens also strongly dislike being told what they should wear, what music they should listen to, who they should be friends with, etc., because didactic advice undermines their right to make their own choices. When teens feel that a rule is fair and reasonable, by contrast, many of them willingly comply.
This ability to decide what’s acceptable and what crosses a line is a healthy and necessary skill. Without preferences and boundaries, your child would not be able to successfully navigate adult life. Ideally, you should look for ways to support this skill while still retaining your ability to parent in an authoritative manner.
To encourage your child’s developing independence while consistently providing the guidance she needs, try using the following strategies:
1. Correct your teen, but don’t criticize her.
Adolescents are incredibly sensitive to what others think of them. During adolescence, changes in the brain’s limbic system heighten emotions to such a degree that teens are more reactive than either school-aged children or adults. Research shows that when teens hear criticism from a family member, the emotional parts of the brain literally take control, overriding the regions associated with rationality and social cognition. This leaves them unable to respond appropriately or empathize with their parent’s perspective; as a result, communication deteriorates.
To keep discussions with your teen constructive, avoid applying negative labels to her or picking out specific personality traits that bother you. When you need to correct her behaviour, review her actions and their consequences in a fair, objective way. (E.g., “When you don’t come home on time, I have no way of knowing you’re safe. What can we do to fix that?”)
2. Appeal to your teen’s innate sense of justice.
Lecturing doesn’t motivate teens, but most adolescents are passionate about fighting perceived injustice. For example, studies have shown that while telling teens to eat better has little effect, educating them about the deceptive nature of the food industry can profoundly influence their food choices. When teens understand that they’re being manipulated into choosing addictive junk foods, they begin to think more critically about what they eat.
When you and your teen aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on an issue, try appealing to her values, then allow her to make up her own mind. If you’re worried about her digital media use, for instance, you might try highlighting the ways social media can negatively influence teenagers, or you could discuss how curated most online content is. In every exchange about important matters, you should let your teen explain her stance, give her your perspective, then work together to find an acceptable compromise.
3. Remain close to your child (while respecting her boundaries).
Adolescents usually want more space than young children, but this shouldn’t be misread as emotional detachment. Teenagers - like all kids - need to feel a secure attachment to their parents in order to thrive, they just express this need differently. Teens tend to seek a sense of psychological closeness, rather than the physical closeness that soothes young children.
Your teen needs to know you value her opinions (even when you don’t agree with her), that you accept and relate to her as an individual, and that you’re always there for her if she needs support. Your teen will feel closest to you if she knows she can voice her feelings and views and receive empathy rather than judgment.
4. Discuss the positive aspects of adolescence.
The idea that teenagers are difficult, disruptive, and unmanageable is largely a Western concept. This attitude overlooks the numerous positive attributes adolescents have and encourages an adversarial relationship between teens and adults. Part of showing your teen that you respect her should therefore include dismantling these negative perceptions: Talk about the many ways that adolescents enrich society through their creativity, emotional depth, and willingness to fight social injustice. Mention particularly admirable qualities that your child has developed since entering adolescence, too.
5. Practice reflective listening.
Reflective listening is a communication strategy that places emphasis on attentive consideration of the speaker’s ideas. To listen reflectively, you’ll need to be wholly “present” when your teen converses with you: Before you discuss important matters, eliminate distractions, like background noise and mobile phone use, and take a moment to release any stress you’re carrying. When your teen expresses herself, let her fully complete her thoughts, then repeat her major points to make sure you understood them. Respond to her ideas in a calm, empathetic way and don’t stray from the topic at hand. This style of communication will show your teen that you’re genuinely interested in hearing what she has to say; it will also help you avoid lecturing or “talking down” to your child.
6. Moderate the way you react to your teen.
Calmness is an essential part of successful parenting, no matter how old your child is. When raising an adolescent, however, it becomes especially important to avoid emotionally reactive behaviour, both because teens are highly reactive themselves and because they’re so sensitive to others’ feelings and opinions.
If you feel yourself becoming frustrated during a discussion, take a moment to breathe deeply and reframe your teen’s actions. Remember that your teen is probably being driven by her need for independence, or her own confusion and hurt feelings - not a desire to cause harm.
7. Be clear about your expectations.
Before you can create rules that don’t threaten your teen’s sense of autonomy, you’ll need to develop unambiguous expectations. Think about areas where you may be willing to compromise with your teen (e.g., on issues like appearance or media privileges) and areas where compromise isn’t possible, such as matters of personal safety. Let your teen know when and why you’ll be willing to negotiate on certain rules, and discuss why some limits need to remain firm. Let her ask questions until she fully understands your thought processes.
To demonstrate respect for your teen’s capabilities, make loosening negotiable limits conditional on her ability to behave responsibly. For example, you might offer to extend her curfew by an hour if she’s able to complete her homework and chores reliably for several months. This process of exchanging freedom for responsibility will allow you to gradually update your household rules in a way that reflects your teen’s developing maturity. Your teen will also feel more confident as a result of being able to prove that she’s successfully growing into adulthood.
Establishing respectful, cooperative dialogue with your teen early in adolescence is one of the best ways to protect her against the pitfalls associated with this stage of development, including negative peer influences, poor self-esteem, and risky behaviour. With your guidance, your child will learn how to be autonomous while still drawing on a robust support system, thereby laying the foundation for adulthood.
