Parents naturally want the best for their children, and as such, they often hope their children will have and do those things that were denied to them in their own childhood. If, for example, a parent dreamed of becoming an artist when younger but was steered away from it, he might do everything in his power to support his child's creative interests; if he desired to be a champion athlete but didn't have the skill, his child may be groomed from an early age to excel at sports. In doing this, parents often transfer their own dreams and ambitions onto their children, setting themselves up for disappointment the moment one of their children shows a lack of interest or talent in the disciplines chosen for him.
Some parents deeply grieve the loss of the idyllic future they imagined for their child—what he would do, who he would become, and the success and fulfillment they imagined him experiencing. However, if parents do not let this sadness blind them to the possibilities and potential inherent in their child, they often end up embarking on a far more exciting journey than the one they had planned: A journey of discovery, mutual growth, and love.
Making this transition successfully relies on developing the ability to parent the child you have, rather than trying to parent the child you wish you had. In order to truly communicate with your child—therefore becoming able to discipline him effectively—you must first accept him for who he is. You must figure out how his mind processes information and learn to speak his individual “language” if you wish to gain his trust, his confidence, and his respect.
Five Steps To Better Communication
If you find yourself struggling to let go of expectations and “parent the child you have,” try implementing the strategies outlined below:
1. Strive for clarity. Parenting is an emotional job, and it's easy for details to get lost when parents and children are struggling to connect with one another. You should therefore make sure to take the time to calmly assess what your child's needs are (e.g. does he struggle with attentional issues that make it hard for him to complete certain tasks or adhere to certain rules?) and how to respond to those needs while also making sure he learns appropriate behaviour. Once you have come up with a plan, communicate your expectations to your child calmly and clearly. Accepting your child doesn't mean not setting limits, it just means setting them in a way that is child-aware and therefore meaningful to him.
2. Be realistic. Make sure to familiarize yourself with what you can realistically expect from someone in your child's age group; for example, younger children typically have a very limited attention span and a high need for parental guidance and attention, so if your child is under five years of age, he may need you to accompany him in completing even basic tasks, like getting ready for bed. Likewise, individual children have different needs and often develop at slightly different rates, so if one of your children needs more parental support than the others, make a plan to spend more time with him while slowly encouraging him to complete tasks more independently.
3. Celebrate epiphanies. Every time your child either confirms or denies one of your expectations, you learn a little bit more about who he is as a person—and this is something to be celebrated. The more you know about your child, the better able you will be to set realistic expectations for him. Likewise, the more insight you gain into the kind of person your child is becoming, the more relevant and meaningful your advice and guidance will be as he transitions into adulthood.
4. Learn to let go gracefully. While it can be difficult to let go of an expectation you had for your child, such as the idea that he would enjoy hiking or painting as much as you do, it's essential that you learn how to take a step back, accept your natural grief, then process it healthily so that it may be laid to rest. Remember, often what parents mourn the most is not the fact that their child will never share their own primary skill or interest, but rather they feel that they have lost the opportunity to connect with their child via a shared passion. In reality, however, there are many ways to connect with your child if you look beyond your own interests and desires and remain receptive to his; why not, for example, try reversing your expectations and push yourself to engage in his passion? You might find yourself develop a new interest you never thought you would have.
5. Understand that acceptance is an ongoing process. Over time, your child will grow and change; interests he had at five years of age may have waned by the time he is eight. A college-aged child might suddenly decide to change his career path after planning on taking a certain direction all throughout high school. Parents therefore often have to let go of their expectations multiple times; after accepting that your child simply has no interest in drawing but is excellent at mathematics, for instance, you might one day turn around to find that he's decided he truly wants to be a veterinarian. A child you once worried about because he was “too shy” might one day concern you even more by becoming a rebellious, gregarious teenager who repeatedly breaks his curfew. Parents have no way of knowing what will happen next; all they can do is try to adapt calmly and compassionately to their child's changing needs, interests, and traits.
As a final note, remember that it's important to avoid expecting perfection from yourself in this process; parenting can be a bumpy ride and you will struggle at times to accept your child, but it will be worth it. Keep your focus on the “core” of who your child is: A person capable of great caring and integrity, no matter which direction he's currently pursuing in life.
