Helping Asperger’s Teens To Survive and Thrive: 15 Key Steps

Anna Kaminsky | April 2, 2016

For children with Asperger’s Syndrome and High Functioning Autism (HFA), change is hard; all their lives they have struggled with the confusing and troubling nature of the highly changeable world around them — then suddenly, with the advent of the teen years, the changes become internal, too. Hormonal fluctuations, the quest for self-identity, and the pressure of trying to be socially acceptable, all come together to make the world a complex, disorienting, and often highly troubling place. And of course, then you must consider the additional burden of the Asperger’s teen: He or she likely has trouble with verbal expression, shutting down the voicing of these painful emotions.

It’s therefore imperative that parents become highly educated about the experiences of the Asperger's/HFA teen, so that they can be highly intuitive about their teen’s changing needs, and know ahead of time how they can support and help these young people face their challenges. Being forewarned is being forearmed, after all, and knowing what to expect will also help parents to remain calm and avoid becoming reactive, another great benefit to teens with Asperger's/HFA.

The world of the average teen is all about his or her peer circle; social skills as an adolescent are developed through shared experiences and frequent, lengthy conversations (think of the stereotype of the teen one just cannot keep off of the phone; such social over-attentiveness is all part of the learning process). Naturally, then, a teen with poor social skills, or one who struggles to communicate, can feel barred from this world, and the idea of interacting in it is therefore unappealing and even frightening.

Teens with Asperger's and HFA face manifold issues which make social interaction difficult; some have no filters, blurting out the first thought that pops into their heads, others may appear “slow” to peers (despite having a perfectly adequate intelligence) due to a difficulty forming complete sentences. Sadly, typical teens often don’t react well to such behaviours, as they are likewise scared by the changes they are enduring, and quick to react to anything that does not seem “normal” or acceptable in those around them.

Adding to this melting pot of negative social stimuli, most teens with Asperger's or HFA are already wary of social interaction and expecting the worst thanks to childhoods where bullying, teasing, and other forms of rejection were present. Often, those with Asperger's/HFA go into their teen years already avoiding the one thing they most need to develop emotional maturity and better self-confidence: Social interaction.

In order to help your teen navigate these turbulent waters and equip him or her with the tools needed to cope, try to employ the 15 crucial strategies outlined below:

1. As mentioned above, teens with Asperger's and HFA often experience self-esteem issues. To combat this, try to make them feel like they have a role of importance in matters that involve them. Give them choices and a sense of autonomy, while also making them aware of potential consequences.

2. Employ an activity-based reward system. Teens with Asperger's and HFA often derive intense pleasure from their favourite activities, so these can be used to motivate them to engage in less-preferred activities (e.g., homework, chores). This avoids nagging, frustration, and other negative social stimuli.

3. One of the key areas in which to allow a teen with Asperger's or HFA some choice and autonomy is discipline; this may not seem intuitive, given that disciplining these teens often presents an especial challenge, but it can go a long way toward improving their self-confidence. No adolescent reacts well when he or she feels disregarded in matters that directly affect his or her wellbeing, and teens with Asperger's and HFA—who often feel particularly lost during these years—may react even more poorly. By involving the teen, you show him or her that no challenge presented by his or her needs is insurmountable, and that control over the self and environment is attainable.

4. Always remember to show your teen unconditional love and acceptance; it's particularly important for teens with Asperger's HFA to know they are loved and valued as they are.

5. Remember that teens on the autism spectrum may not always make eye contact when you are giving directions, even when they are paying attention, and that this is not a sign of disrespect. Look for other cues that the teen is listening to you, such as alert posture, gestures (e.g. nodding of the head), and/or the ceasing of other activities. Make sure your directions are clear and concise, describing when the teen should do the work, why, how, and how much work there is to be done.

6. Create a plan to teach your teen basic social skills and how to apply them across multiple situations, such as how to start a conversation, how to ask for help, etc. Make sure he or she understands how to move those skills from one environment to the next; from school to church, for example. Do not try to teach too many of these skills at one time; instead, break them down into manageable lessons. Make sure to have the teen apply these skills in real-world situations and reward him or her for a job well done.

7. Be sure to allow your teen to bring home friends for pizza parties, gaming nights, etc.; Asperger's and HFA teens often do better socializing in structured, safe environments.

8. Employ your teen's love of organization and list making to help build his or her self-esteem. Lists like "Five things I like about myself," "Five people who care about me," or "Five things I accomplished this week" can go a long way toward making a teen feel good about his or her self. Encourage your teen to store these lists and look at them when feeling down or discouraged.

9. Expect mood swings, meltdowns and periods of hyperactivity, and remember that often the best thing you can do for your teen is to keep a grip on your own emotions. Reactivity only makes these outbursts harder to get through, and magnifies the stress of the situation.

10. Don't try to minimize or "cure" your teen of his or her autism-based needs or behaviours; simply help the teen to effectively manage them and be happy while living with them.

11. Begin to grant the teen some control over his or her schedule; allow the teen to select the order in which chores are done, the time he or she prefers to do homework, etc. It's important to encourage any teen to begin on the road toward independent thinking.

12. Once the daily schedule is decided on, be sure to post it somewhere clearly visible. Teens with Asperger's and HFA crave structure and predictability, just as children on the autism spectrum do, so try to keep these schedules as consistent as possible.

13. Consider employing role play when teaching your teen how to approach and manage social situations. Look for support groups for autistic teens that will help enhance these skills in a controlled environment.

14. Keep verbal prompts simple and positive; emphasize what you want your teen to do more than what you want your teen to stop doing. For example, ask the teen to complete his or her homework before dinner, rather than asking him or her to stop playing video games and get to work because dinner will be ready soon.

15. Always speak to your teen in a calm, even tone of voice; this will allow the teen to focus on what you're saying, rather than getting so overwhelmed by your emotions that the message of your words is lost. It will also prevent tense situations from becoming full-on arguments or outbursts.

Remember that adolescents with Asperger's or HFA will want friends, but may find the effort of trying to "fit in" too draining to be maintained. Likewise, they are often emotionally immature and too trusting, which may lead to bullying.

All of this can be isolating, frustrating, nerve-wracking, and depressing to go through, but with a little assistance from parents and other caring adults, teens with Asperger’s Syndrome and HFA can develop the right tools to thrive both academically and socially. Many teens on the autism spectrum have special gifts and unique perspectives which will, with the right encouragement and preparation, delight and enrich their peer circle.

 

Author: Anna Kaminsky

Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Apr 1, 2016

About Anna Kaminsky

Anna Kaminsky earned her PhD in Developmental Psychology from the University of Toronto and completed a post-doc internship at our centre. She also worked at The Hospital for Sick Children and at The Hincks-Dellcrest Centre. Anna currently works as a medical services manager at the CAMH. "Kaminsky" is Anna's pen name. You can follow her on Twitter at @AnnaKaminsky1.

Related Articles