It is a shocking paradox that despite all our advances in knowledge and scientific progress, our life in the 21st century is as unsafe as ever. Just a week ago, the humanity was suddenly shaken up by the terrible news of a terrorist attack that claimed the lives of more than a hundred innocent people gathered in Paris for music and sport events. One inevitable conclusion that is formed consciously or unconsciously in the minds of children and adults alike is "Terrorist attacks can happen anytime and anywhere and you cannot safeguard against them". The difference between children and adults, however, is that children have a limited ability to acknowledge, formulate, and cope with their fears. They will need parental support in order to deal with their feelings and to make sure their natural reactions to such events do not develop into a long-term anxiety.
As much as parents wish to be able to protect their children from the harsh realities of the world, since the advent of the digital revolution, it has become all but impossible to completely shelter young people from news of terrorism and violence. Long gone are the days when parents could simply shut off the television when a troubling segment was about to begin on the evening news and be reasonably assured that their children would not be exposed to disturbing content; today, many young people are carrying access to headlines with them wherever they go.
There are, however, still ways in which parents can help their children to survive and thrive in a complex, uncertain world; through instilling feelings of safety and security at home and facilitating dialogue, parents can not only reassure their children, they can also help to ensure that the next generation is more informed, aware, and compassionate.
How you handle the subjects of violence and terrorism will greatly depend on the age of your children; while the ultimate goal—assuring children that they are safe—is the same, different age groups require different approaches.
If You Have Young Children:
Children under the age of six are simply too young to understand the complex issues surrounding terrorism and other global conflicts; likewise, their minds cannot adequately distinguish between fantasy and reality. It's therefore vital to limit young children's exposure to news media: Turn off the news when they are around so that they are not exposed to graphic images, turn off radio reports about troubling events, and save discussions about said events for when children are safely out of earshot.
Additionally, parents should take full advantage of the fact that children within this age group are more easily guided by rules and limit “screen time” and access to mobile devices; no more than one hour per day should be spent consuming media (via television, tablets, etc.) and parents should be sure to double-check that their children only have access to “kid friendly” apps and media.
If you do catch your child in the act of viewing disturbing news, stay calm; rather than reacting in a way which calls even more attention to the events on the screen (e.g. leaping to grab the remote control or covering the child's eyes), gently distract the child with something else and then change the channel or turn off the television set once the child's attention has been diverted elsewhere. Remember, young children are highly impressionable; showing strong negative emotions will both imprint the news more deeply in a child's mind and make the child feel guilty or upset.
Finally, don't stifle your children's attempts to re-enact troubling world events through play; if your child is, for example, acting out a city of blocks being “bombed”, let him or her see it through. Play is how children process the world around them, so while this may at first seem troubling, in reality this behaviour is a method of making the world feel “under control” again; just make sure that the play session ends on a positive note where security is restored (for example, a hero rushes in to save people, or a repair crew enters the city and fixes the damage). Offering hugs and affection once the child is done playing is another excellent way to make sure he or she feels secure.
If you're unsure of whether or not your child has witnessed disturbing events or overheard inappropriate conversations but don't wish to risk making him or her aware of these events by asking directly, remain vigilant for the following signs of distress:
- Being unusually quiet or agitated;
- Beginning to speak of what is bothering him or her then stopping abruptly as if unable to explain it;
- Experiencing sudden difficulties with sleep (trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep, frequent nightmares);
- Reverting to infantile behaviours, e.g. thumb-sucking or bed-wetting;
- General anxiety, such as fear of being alone, fear of leaving the house (or of parents not returning after they have left the house), fear of going to the bathroom, etc.
If Your Children are Older:
As your children get older and begin to independently explore the internet and social media, limiting their exposure to disturbing news will become all but impossible. However, while school-aged children, preteens, and teenagers may have relatively unhindered access to such content, their brains are still not ready to fully comprehend the magnitude and gravity of war and terrorism, making parental guidance more important than ever.
Above all else, it is essential to keep the lines of communication open; never shut a child down if he or she brings up recent events (e.g. saying, “You're too young to be looking at that,” or, “You're too young to understand these things”) and don't reject their concerns with general safety statements (e.g., “This can never happen in our country /city/ neighborhood”). It also will not help to try to strictly control the media your older child or teenager has access to: if concerned the children will seek information from other sources.
As children get older, parents should remain vigilant for opportunities to ask them how they are feeling about recent events in a relaxed, natural way; asking what your child's classmates are saying about recent troubling events, for instance, can be a good way to start a conversation without “prying” or making your child feel put on the spot. Under no circumstances should you force your children to talk about disturbing events—this will only make them feel more anxious. If you are concerned that your child is deeply upset by current events and yet he or she refuses to speak about it, seek professional aid from a therapist or school counsellor rather than pressing the matter yourself.
When your child does decide to open up to you, it's important to remain calm and objective and look for the two main issues you will need to troubleshoot: Fear and confusion. By helping your child to work through his or her emotions and reducing misconceptions, you can help him or her to gain a healthy, realistic perspective on even the most of extreme of world events.
How to Talk to Your Child About Terrorism
Parents are, of course, human, and often find themselves in the midst of experiencing their own fear and anger when their children come to them for counsel on how to handle news of terror and violence. As such, without a plan in place for how to structure these conversations, parents can inadvertently succumb to venting their own feelings (either through tone and body language or choice of words) as they try to discuss world affairs with their children—even though they are rationally aware that doing so is counterproductive.
Before discussing terrorism with your children, review the strategies below, and if possible, try rehearsing for these difficult conversations (either mentally or with your partner); the calmer you are when the time comes, the more reassured your children will feel.
1. Focus on validating and normalizing fears.
When a child comes to you with his or her fears, it's often reflexive to assure the child that there is “No need to worry” or “Nothing to be frightened of”; however, well-intentioned such statements are, they should not act as your first line of defense. Minimizing a child's fears before the child has had the chance to fully explore them and express them often makes children feel dismissed or misunderstood, shutting down the conversation.
Instead, assure your children that their feelings are normal—that such events scare everyone—and take the time to listen actively to their questions and give detailed responses.
2. Remind children that there are people available to help and protect them at all times.
Soothe children's fears by assuring them that the military, police, firefighters, and other members of the community are always working to protect them, and that if anything ever does happen, help from these groups and individuals would be close at hand. Make sure that children are exposed to stories of heroism in order to counterbalance news of terrorism and violence.
3. Emphasize distance.
Depending on the age of your children, they may not be able to easily comprehend how far away from home the events have occurred, particularly if they see these events brought right into their home via the evening news. Try showing children how far away the terrorists are using a globe or world map.
4. Put acts of violence and terrorism into perspective.
If your children are old enough to process such information, try illustrating how statistically unlikely it is that an act of terrorism will happen in their own neighbourhood. Make sure that children realize news of such acts is shocking precisely because these events are very rare.
Even if your children are too young to understand matters of probability vs. possibility, you can reassure them by reminding them that most people are basically good and do not condone using violence as a way to solve their problems.
5. Correct misconceptions and dismantle generalizations.
In trying to make acts of terrorism simpler to understand, children may resort to making unfair generalizations, such as equating these acts with Muslims or Middle Eastern people as a whole. It's important not to reprimand children too harshly for doing so; instead, use these mistakes as an opportunity to educate your children, such as by explaining what prejudice is and how it only leads to more violence within society.
If you have very young children, they may not grasp the gravity of these events and make inappropriate jokes; again, your first reaction should not be to scold your children vehemently. Many preschool-aged children cannot actually understand death, and they may be misperceiving events in a humourous light in an attempt to either comprehend them or defuse emotional tension.
6. Suggest ways in which children can take action.
Children, like adults, feel much safer if they believe they can actually do something about the events which are troubling them. Suggest that your children donate to relief organizations, send much-needed items (e.g. school supplies) to children in the Middle East, or send care packages to the troops who are helping to combat terrorism.
