As a psychologist living and working in Toronto, where 51% of residents were born outside Canada, I deal with immigration related psychological issues on a daily basis. As an immigrant who came to Canada with a young child over 30 years ago, I can certainly relate to challenges facing immigrant parents and their children. I hope this article will help parents understand the often unseen struggles of children who are trying to reconcile their home customs and expectations with their new environment.
Though immigration is a time-honoured tradition in Canada, the process is not without challenges for the thousands of immigrant families who enter the country each year. For children in particular, the personal struggles brought about by immigration can feel overwhelming: Unlike adults, young people are still in the process of forming their individual identities, and as such, being caught between two cultures can create numerous internal conflicts.
Immigrant children likewise often face external hostility due to their status as “different”; while many adult Canadians operate under the idea that Canada is an accepting nation where newcomers are automatically welcome, for young people, omnipresent pressure to “fit in” usually means that this is not the case. Immigrant children not only face a higher risk of outright bullying than non-immigrant children, they often deal with frequent micro-aggressions related to their choice of food, clothing, religion, manners, and other customs.
Too often their struggles are invisible not only to society, but within their own families as well: The parents of immigrant children, wishing for their sons and daughters to make the most of the opportunities afforded to them, tend to focus heavily on academic achievement—often to the exclusion of recognizing their children's social needs. Immigrant parents likewise usually prefer that their children adhere to the rules and boundaries of their own culture rather than adapting to more liberal Western mores, a bias which can further create barriers for their children socially as it adds to them being perceived as “different”. As children progress into adolescence, conflict surrounding issues like dating, acceptable clothing, and curfews can become severe, sometimes leading to rebellion, isolation, anxiety, and depression.
Though it's understandable that parents wish to honour their own culture and preserve their way of life, it's essential to do so in a way that is flexible, positive, and above all else, compassionate. In order to succeed and go on to live a happy, fulfilled life, an immigrant child—like any child—needs validation, acceptance, and encouragement. Only through providing such support at home can parents ensure that their children have the confidence needed to combat prejudice and learn to love the things about their background that make them who they are.
Tips For Parents
Learning to support an immigrant child begins with understanding, and empathizing with, the unique challenges he or she is facing and then devising compromises that help him or her to overcome these challenges. As the parent of an immigrant child, you can help to ease the pain of adjustment by implementing the strategies outlined below:
- Be vigilant for signs of bullying and encourage your child to talk about acceptance issues he or she is facing at school. Signs of bullying include frequent injuries (such as bruises), torn clothing, missing items (school books, knapsacks, etc.), a fear of going to school (the child may repeatedly use physical complaints like headaches and stomach aches as an excuse to avoid school), social withdrawal, mood disturbances, and changes in the child's sleeping or eating habits.
If you believe your child is being bullied, it's important to speak with staff at his or her school; schools usually take a “zero tolerance” attitude toward racism and prejudice, and as such, staff are likely to take quick action. If your child is finding it difficult to feel accepted at school, it may be helpful to connect him or her to other children who share his or her ethnic background: Religious institutions, social clubs, and other networks may provide access to peers who can relate fully to your child's experiences and give him or her a feeling of being less alone.
- Try to develop rules and boundaries that fairly reflect both of the cultures your child is operating within. Not all nations have a well-established teen culture, a fact which can lead to additional difficulties as a child transitions into adolescence; if you come from one such nation, it's therefore a good idea to familiarize yourself with Canada's “youth culture”. (Watching the same TV shows, listening to the same music, and consuming other forms of media intended for adolescents can be helpful in this endeavour.) It's important to understand that for teens in Canada, establishing a sense of belonging and identity within this culture is often paramount to the development of a healthy self-esteem.
While Western beliefs and customs surrounding issues like respect for authority figures, drug use, behaviour at school, and sexuality may feel troubling to parents not familiar with them, it's important not to react with alarm. Instead, take an objective look at these customs and try to establish rules and boundaries which are fair and which place the focus primarily on ensuring the child's safety. It's also a good idea to work with your child to develop reasonable compromises; for example, if it's very important to you that your child wear a certain item of clothing (for religious or cultural reasons), perhaps work out a deal where if the child wears said item of clothing she is allowed to have something else she desires, such as a certain pair of shoes or the latest “cool” gadget. This compromise ensures that the parent's culture is respected while also giving the child something which will help her to better integrate with the culture of her peers.
- Encourage your child to communicate. Children, especially adolescents, are often reticent to speak about their feelings, and as such, they end up expressing themselves in less than healthy ways. Where immigrant children are involved, this can manifest as rejection of their native cultures.
Take the case of Suzie (names have been changed for privacy reasons), for example: A teenager who immigrated to Canada from China at the age of 10. Suzie had always been quiet and respectful. According to her mother Lily, all that changed as Suzie entered adolescence: “She disregarded everything coming from me or her father, started coming home really late, become critical and sarcastic about our principles and values.” Suzie tried to behave and appear “Canadian” speaking only English, wearing revealing clothes, and listening solely to Western music. I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt like I was failing as a parent.”
When Lily finally got Suzie to open up, however, it was revealed that Suzie's behaviour was rooted in resentment that arose from clashing cultural values rather than an innate desire to get into trouble. Suzie had grown up watching all of her friends enjoy more leisure time, looser academic expectations, and warmer and more informal interactions with family members. “When I was a kid,” Suzie explains, “every time I visit my friends’ houses I was jealous about how their parents treated them. My parents were much more strict with me, and I felt it was unfair.”
Had Suzie been encouraged to express her feelings of being penalized before they manifested as rebellious behaviour, it's probable that she and her parents would have enjoyed a much less strained relationship and that Suzie would not have so sharply rejected her heritage. As Suzie's experience shows, it's important to empathize with the struggles of one's children, to ask open-ended questions, and to listen when they feel something is unfair or separating them from their peers. The best way to keep a child connected to his or her culture is to keep the parent-child connection alive and well.
- Engage positively with your child on cultural matters. Children naturally push back against things which are forced on them, so parents should make the effort to place culturally-focused activities in a positive context. Spend time together watching movies from your culture of origin, cooking favourite dishes, etc. Happy memories created by spending time together as a family will ensure that your child has a lifelong reason to cherish his or her heritage.
- Educate your child about non-verbal communication differences. Being fluent in English and/or French is often not enough to ensure that a child can communicate effectively; parents must keep in mind that just seven percent of a message may be composed of words, with the rest being conveyed through facial expression, tone of voice, gestures, and overall posture.
Language confusion between immigrant children, their peers, and adults often occurs at a non-verbal level, and this confusion can contribute heavily to a child being labelled as “different.” It may also lead to difficulties with authority figures as using the “wrong” body language can be interpreted as disrespectful. For example, children from many Latin American and Asian cultures intentionally avoid making eye contact with authority figures as a show of respect, but in Canada, this same gesture is often misread as being inattentive or rebellious.
Parents should dedicate some time to both learning about Western body language and observing other families and student-teacher interactions, then teach their children how to modify their own gestures so that their physical and verbal messages match in a way that is comprehensible to others.
Though adapting to a new culture while also dealing with the challenges of growing up is never easy, with parental support, many immigrant children grow up experiencing the “best of both worlds.” The exchange of ideas and customs between cultures has, after all, been enriching society for thousands of years, so the end result of this process is often overwhelmingly positive.
As a final note, it's important to remember that mental health of your child is as important as physical health. If not addressed, social-emotional issues associated with immigration can lead to mental disorders in late adolescence and adulthood. If your child is still experiencing serious issues adjusting after you implement the strategies outlined above, there is help available in the form of counselling; you and your family are not alone.
Image Credit: flickr.com/photos/cotaro70s/3235805677/
