What is Autonomy Supportive Parenting and How to Practice it

Dr. Tali Shenfield | September 19, 2019

The journey of childhood is defined by the transition from a state of complete dependence to one of personal autonomy. To achieve healthy independence, kids need to be taught how to feel comfortable with every aspect of who they are. This is especially important for children with elevated anxiety levels. They must be provided with enough structure to make them feel secure, but not so much structure that their ability to make decisions is curtailed. Practicing autonomy supportive parenting is one way to achieve these goals with minimal stress.

What is Autonomy Supportive Parenting?

Autonomy supportive parenting is essentially a parenting style where parents intentionally involve their kids in making decisions and performing actions, of course in age-appropriate and safe ways. For instance, when deciding on extra-curricular activities for her child, a mother can offer a few options, explain what each of them involves, and visit the activities with her daughter. She then can ask her to pick the one she wants to sign up for. This will help the child to feel personally involved, increasing a sense of commitment and responsibility. It will also teach the child how to make wise decisions by listening to her feelings and gathering information. Finally, it will build her sense of confidence and self-respect. Though parenting always involves a certain amount of intuition, developing a parenting style is an excellent way to make child-rearing choices more consciously and intentionally.

Autonomy supportive parenting, like balanced parenting, eschews extremes of permissiveness and authoritarianism. This parenting style cultivates a middle ground where children are supported without being overly protected or limited. It definitely does not mean allowing the child to have what she wants and when she wants it at all times. Instead, it encourages self-awareness, active thinking and decision making within the appropriate limits set by the parents.

How to Practice Autonomy Supportive Parenting

1. Provide unconditional love.

Unconditional love is vital for many reasons, but it’s especially important to the development of confidence. Children who know they will be loved even if they “mess up” have less fear of failure. This empowers them to take measured risks, try new things, and build strong peer connections.

Ethan was bullied in the past, and has become very fearful and dependent on his mother for solving any problems with peers. His mother intervened at the slight hint of any conflict by speaking to his teacher and principal. This only made Ethan feel more ineffective and helpless. After realizing that this does not help the mother decided to change her tactic. She still actively participated in discussions when Ethan wanted to share about his problems, helped him better understand the situation and think about possible solutions, but suggested that he tries to work it out on his own first. Of course, Ethan did not always succeed, but the mother told him she was very proud that he tried. Gradually, he became better at communicating with his peers, more confident that he can take care of himself, and less fearful of bullying.

Demonstrating unconditional love is more complicated than simply caring about your child consistently (which, of course, most parents already do). For kids to know they’re accepted at all times, they need to be spoken to in a calm, non-judgmental way, even when they misbehave. When you must correct your child’s behaviour, focus on addressing the problem at hand without labeling your child. For example, if your daughter neglects to pick up her toys, don’t call her “messy” or “lazy.” Gently remind her that her toys are all over the floor, then explain that she needs to pick them up so that no one trips over them.

2. Give your child the opportunity to make age-appropriate choices.

Kids learn how to make good decisions via trial and error. Allowing your child to make choices that influence her daily routine, even when she’s very young, is an excellent way to build better decision-making skills.

If you’re parenting a toddler, start with small choices that are easy for your child to understand. Asking your child whether she prefers to use a red cup or blue cup, or what order she’d like to get ready for bed in, will encourage her to start thinking about how she can independently shape her environment. Just make sure that the choices your child is able to make align with her level of maturity and don’t compromise her well-being. For instance, it’s unwise to ask a small child whether or not she wants to go to bed on time or brush her teeth, however, she can choose which book you will read her at bedtime. Things that are related to health and safety should be controlled by parents and the reasons for parental decisions should be explained (e.g., it's good to go to bed on time so you don't feel tired tomorrow).

Parents should also respect their child’s preferences (where possible) and allow kids to do things at their own pace. Asking a child about her preferences makes her pay attention to her feelings and tells her that they are important and accepted by others. This lays a foundation for healthy self-esteem. Acknowledging a child's preference even if you cannot accept it is very important too. If on a cold winter day your child wants to go outside without a jacket you can say  "I understand you wish it was summer and we did not need our jackets anymore. I feel the same way but today it's still cold and we both need to wear them". If your toddler wants to dress herself, bathe herself, or complete another achievable task, don’t intervene and attempt to speed up the process (unless she asks for help). You can, however, help your child by structuring the task. For example, you can lay out the clothes for her to wear, or you can make a list of tasks she needs to do when washing herself before bedtime and stick it to the bathroom mirror.

During playtime, support your child’s desire to explore and experiment—don’t dictate activities. For example, if your child wants to change the rules for a game, ask her what the new rules are, try to use them, and then ask the child how she liked the game with the new rules.

Danny often cheated in games. Telling him that this is wrong and that nobody will want to play with him did not help. Then, one day his father told him: I see that you want to change the rules a bit. It looks like you want cheating to be allowed in this game. Lets play it this way and see how we like it. When both of them were cheating the game became meaningless and Danny decided he did not like it. This approach helped Danny discover for himself that rules make games interesting, without adults shaming or threatening him.

As your child gets older, you can begin to involve her in discussions about rules and limits. Though only parents can establish household boundaries and routines, asking your child how she feels about proposed consequences will facilitate communication and collaboration. For example, you may say to your child: I know you really like to play video games, but it is hard for you to know when to stop. What can I do to help you make it easier when your time is up? What should I do if you ignore my request to stop? Do you know why it is important to set a limit on fun activities?

Make sure she knows that you’re working together to create a more harmonious and functional household (i.e., rules don’t exist simply to give parents a reason to punish their children). You should also consider helping out when you see your child truly struggling in a specific area, such as by helping her plan how and when to complete challenging tasks. For example, if your child has difficulty cleaning her room, help her schedule an appropriate time for doing it, then, together, create a check-list of tasks that need to be done and ask her if there is any task she does not know how to do. For the first time do it with her, helping her to follow the plan. Help her feel good about accomplishing this by pointing out how nice and clean her room is now. Of course, this is more time consuming than simply stepping in and doing it for the child. However, in the long run, this approach will lead to a child who is not only capable of doing many daily tasks for herself, but also has confidence that she can master new tasks in the future.

3. Help your child feel valued and competent.

Part of making good decisions lies in knowing those decisions mean something to the people around us. Children need to feel like they’re contributing to the family unit in a positive way to stay motivated and maintain a sense of direction. For example, if you routinely involve your child in discussion of vacation plans for the family, she will feel as an important member of a family and will learn to seek decisions that meet everybody's needs.

When your child is small, take the time to allow her to “help” you complete tasks, provided that they don’t involve anything dangerous or breakable. Don’t treat your child like she’s getting in the way. As she matures, give her a list of manageable chores to complete each week and provide her with specific reinforcement, such as fun time with parents. This also teaches kids about positive consequences of their actions: since she completed her chores, the parents now have some free time which they can spend together.

Instead of just giving her a reward for “being good,” tell her that by completing a certain chore, she allowed you to relax or focus on another task. Let her know how much you value her contributions to the household, in addition to providing rewards or privileges.

4. Demonstrate empathy and employ active listening skills.

Kids often have difficulty recognizing and expressing their feelings, which can hinder their ability to act on their desires in a productive, independent way. Empathy and active listening are therefore key components of autonomy supportive parenting.

When you’re interacting with your child, genuinely listen to her perspective, especially when she’s upset or confused about something. Validate her feelings before you correct her behaviour, such as by saying, “I understand why you’re angry, but it’s not okay to throw things.”

When you’re working together to solve problems, ask your child open-ended questions, like, “How can I help you feel better?” or “What would you like to do about this?” Your primary goal when guiding your child should be to help her explore her own emotions and opinions within safe boundaries.

Never reject or dismiss your child’s feelings. It may seem ridiculous to you that your child is crying over getting one scoop of ice cream rather than two scoops, but the hurt she is feeling is real to her and we, as parents, need to acknowledge that hurt instead of brushing it away.

If you would like to try this approach, take a few moments to reflect on your own parenting style and that of your partner. Observe how you make decisions, communicate them to your children, and listen to their input. Together with your partner, decide what you'd like to change and start with a few simple goals. Consistency between caregivers as well as from day to day is very important. Do not be surprised if your child does not react in the way you'd expect at first. Practice your new skills by accepting her right to react in her own unique way. Gradually, it will become easier and less effortful for both of you. As your children grow it is helpful and necessary to re-consider parental boundaries from time to time, in order to allow them to learn how to shape their life and take responsibilities for their choices.

Autonomy supportive parenting aims to create a cooperative bond between you and your child while maintaining secure, sensible behavioural boundaries. If you’re not sure how to identify or change your parenting style, you may want to consult a family therapist. The objective insight provided by a therapist can help you make the transition to autonomy supportive parenting more smoothly and consistently.

This article was originally published by Dr. Tali Shenfield on AFineParent.com website.

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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