8 Strategies to Use When Your ADHD Child is Angry

Dr. Tali Shenfield | Updated on January 10, 2024

Child anger issues in ADHD can be very challenging for parents. Children with ADHD often struggle with emotional dysregulation, leading to frequent and intense anger outbursts or "rage attacks." Understanding the root causes of ADHD and anger in children is essential for parents learning how to deal with an angry ADHD child. The impulsivity and poor emotional control associated with ADHD means these children tend to react strongly when frustrated, often in inappropriate or extreme ways. Their brain chemistry makes it difficult for them to calm themselves down once upset. That's why parents of children prone to ADHD rage attacks ask why is my ADHD child so angry? With patience, compassion and the right discipline strategies, parents can help their ADHD child get anger under control. This article provides tips to help parents manage their child's anger constructively.

8 Strategies to Help Your Child with ADHD Cope with Anger

Dealing with meltdowns is never easy, but it’s a skill that parents of children with ADHD must master. ADHD impairs the development of emotional regulation skills, makes children prone to sensory overload, and causes problems with memory and communication. As a result, kids with ADHD have meltdowns more frequently than other children, through no fault of their own.

Knowing how to help your child manage his (or her) anger will reduce stress levels in your household and encourage your child to moderate his behaviour. If your child has ADHD, using the parenting strategies outlined below can minimize outbursts and strengthen the bond of understanding you share with your child:

1. Establishing Boundaries and Limits for Your Child with ADHD

Children with ADHD, like children with Asperger’s syndrome, sometimes have a hard time shifting from one activity to another. This can lead to explosive meltdowns when a child with ADHD is asked to stop doing something he enjoys. Kids with this condition also react poorly to unforeseen events and changes in schedule.

Though it’s not realistically possible to insulate your child from unexpected circumstances, you can help him feel secure by establishing parameters for activities ahead of time. Setting a time limit for play activities, for example, will allow your child to prepare himself to disengage. (Many parents set a timer to indicate when playtime is over, in order to prevent verbal disagreements.) Creating a simple but effective weekly schedule that includes time for chores, homework, and recreation is another excellent way to help your child stay relaxed and organized.

2. Active Listening to Understand and Manage ADHD and Anger

Processing verbal information presents challenges for individuals with ADHD. Children with this condition often miss important facts while conversing because their brains can’t filter out external distractions. This can cause them to misinterpret the situation and become confused or reactive.

When talking to a child with ADHD, it’s a good idea to take things slowly: Pause after making a point and verify that your child understood what you said. Ask him questions in order to keep him engaged in the conversation and ensure that he feels heard and validated. You should also invite your child to ask you questions any time he wants to clarify what you’re saying.

In heated situations, discussing your child’s feelings—rather than just dictating what he should do—can aid in the development of better problem-solving skills and prevent tantrums. If you see your child getting upset, ask him what’s bothering him and see if you can develop a compromise without completely bending the rules. For example, if your child is upset about having to go to bed because he’s trying to get to the next level in a video game, you might agree to an extension of no more than 15 minutes, if this will allow him to complete the activity. Involving your child in the problem-solving process won’t undermine your authority as a parent, as long as you uphold the agreement you both make.

3. Maintaining Calm: Anger Management for Parents of Kids with ADHD

Children are sponges for both new information and emotional input. If your child senses that you’re angry, he will probably mirror your stance, becoming hostile or defensive in response. If you stay calm, on the other hand, your child will be reassured by your peaceful demeanour. He’ll also subconsciously pick up on your self-regulation techniques and attempt to mimic them himself.

To maintain a cool-headed outlook, try practicing deep breathing exercises when you feel tension starting to rise. Likewise, you shouldn’t hesitate to take a “time out” when you need one, or ask your partner for assistance in mediating the situation.

4. Creating and Sticking to a Response Plan for Your Child's ADHD-Related Tantrums

Becoming reactive when your child has a meltdown is the fastest way to escalate the situation. Unfortunately, unless you have a plan in place to handle your child’s outbursts, it’s easy to let frustration get the better of you.

To avoid making this mistake, create a “behaviour plan” that outlines both disciplinary measures for unhelpful behaviour and incentives to reinforce good behaviour. This plan should instruct your child on the appropriate way to handle his anger and state which privileges will be taken away if he lapses into bad habits. You may also want to include a “point system” where your child can earn points for good behaviour, like successfully calming down instead of lashing out when confronted with something upsetting. At the end of the week, your child can redeem his points for a reward or privilege.

5. Encourage Your Child: Positive Reinforcement for Children with ADHD

All children—whether they have a learning disability or not—respond much more readily to encouragement than demands or criticism. Instead of ordering your child to control his temper when he’s angry, gently remind him that you believe in his ability to do the right thing. For instance, you might say something like, “I know you’re very upset, but I’ve seen you successfully calm down before, and I know you can do it again. What can I do to help you feel better?”

6. Building a Support System: Seeking Professional Help for a Child with ADHD

Raising a child with unique needs requires an enormous amount of patience, persistence, and strength. Ultimately, this job is usually too large for just one or two people to handle on their own. To get the best out of your child while still looking after yourself adequately, you’ll need to develop a support system that includes mental health professionals, other parents, family members, and friends. Professional help is particularly essential, as a psychologist or psychiatrist will be able to identify any comorbid conditions that are making your child’s outbursts worse or hindering his progress.

Children with ADHD have enormous potential, thanks to their heightened creativity and lively energy. With time and patience, you and your child can work together to minimize the behavioural issues that accompany this condition and build the skills needed to thrive.

7. Get an Accurate ADHD Diagnosis

If you suspect your child may have ADHD but they have not been formally diagnosed, the first step is to have them assessed. Our website offers a free ADHD screening assessment you can complete online to help determine if your child should be formally assessed by a specialist. Many pediatricians or primary care providers can also screen for ADHD symptoms or refer you to a specialist like a psychiatrist, psychologist, or pediatric neurologist. Getting an accurate diagnosis is key before moving forward with treatment plans or behavior strategies.

8. Introduce New Evidence-Based Strategies

In addition to the tips already discussed, research shows several other strategies can be effective for helping children with ADHD improve emotional regulation and anger management skills:

Structured Physical Activity

  • Schedule regular exercise or enroll your child in organized sports. Activities like martial arts provide both physical and mental benefits. Physical activity promotes self-regulation and releases feel-good endorphins.

Mindfulness Practices

  • Mindfulness teaches present moment awareness. Studies show mindfulness-based interventions help kids with ADHD reduce aggression and conduct problems. Try guided meditations or yoga apps for children.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

  • CBT is an established treatment for anger issues in children. It teaches them to challenge irrational beliefs and reframe unhelpful thinking patterns. Consider CBT if other interventions aren't working.

Social Skills Training

  • Many children with ADHD struggle in social situations. Role playing activities or group therapies focused on building communication and emotional intelligence skills can reduce conflict.

Implementing regular routines with one or a combination of these evidence-based strategies promotes emotional growth for children with ADHD. Notice what works best for your child and seek input from medical providers for formal programs or referrals if needed.

4 Common Mistakes to Avoid for ADHD Anger Issues

Tantrums and childhood go hand in hand, much to the chagrin of parents. However, while most children quickly outgrow the tendency to have out-of-control meltdowns, kids with ADHD often struggle to overcome this trait. They have meltdowns more frequently and more severely than neurotypical children and these episodes may persist until late childhood. This is because the brains of children with ADHD struggle to regulate emotion. It takes less to trigger their anger, and once a tantrum has started, it’s harder for them to regain control.

Though many parents try to equip their ADHD child with coping skills (deep breathing exercises, counting to ten, and so on), they often fail to sufficiently analyze how they are handling their child’s anger. Approaching a child who is having a meltdown incorrectly can escalate, rather than defuse, the situation—and make it even harder for a child with ADHD to calm down. Ergo, if you’re the parent of a child with ADHD, you should avoid making the following mistakes when dealing with your child’s outbursts:

1. Losing Temper with ADHD Child

Children with ADHD become overwhelmed by stimuli more easily than other children. As such, if you lose your cool (even in minor ways like raising your voice or snapping at your child), he will only become more upset. It’s therefore important to practice the same anger management techniques you preach to your child: Take a deep breath, count to ten, then do your best to demonstrate patience and compassion. Remember that children learn how they should behave primarily through observing their parents, so modeling appropriate anger management methods will help your child behave better, too.

2. Being reactive, rather than proactive, about disciplining ADHD angry outbursts

You will be far more likely to respond to meltdowns unhelpfully if you don’t have a plan for dealing with them in place. When your child is calm, take him aside and collaborate on a “behaviour plan” that details how he should behave when he feels like he’s about to lose his temper. This plan should include incentives that reward him when he’s able to keep his cool and consequences for when he acts out in ways that are hurtful or destructive. As a parent, it’s your job to administer those rewards and consequences calmly and consistently. Resist the temptation to cave in and spoil your child when he’s “being good” and don’t escalate consequences unrealistically when he’s “being bad.” Give your child clear, predictable boundaries to operate within.

Similarly, rather than snapping at your child in a critical or demanding way, try to encourage him to stick to the plan you’ve both made. Instead of saying something like, “Ethan, I demand you stop this silliness right now!” Try, “I know you’re very upset right now, but do you remember our plan for how to calm down? I think it will help you, and I know you can do it.” Just don’t expect immediate results: You may need to reiterate this message a few times before the instinct-driven part of your child’s brain settles down enough to let him think clearly.

3. Not listening to your child

Your child’s feelings are no less valid than any other person’s, even if he sometimes acts “out of control.” Don’t get so busy trying to control your child’s outbursts that you forget this fact and end up silencing your child. After all, his thoughts, feelings, and observations can provide valuable insight into what drives his anger—and who he is as a person. When you see your child starting to lose his temper, ask him why he’s upset, and (if he’s calm enough) ask him to help you brainstorm possible solutions to what’s making him angry.

It’s important to keep in mind that children can lose their cool for all kinds of different reasons. Your child may, for example, actually be anxious about something. Because his brain doesn’t regulate emotions and impulses well, this anxiety triggers his “fight or flight” reflex, resulting in aggression. If you practice compassionate curiosity in this situation, you will probably uncover what’s making your child anxious. Once you have this information, you can both resolve the immediate problem and potentially prevent future meltdowns in similar situations.

Get to know your child and always try to find common ground and compromise when you’re having a problem. Not only will your home become a calmer place as a result, your child will know you’re his ally and there to help him combat his anger.

4. Giving up too quickly for ADHD child anger management

When you’re parenting a child with any kind of special needs, creating meaningful behavioural change takes time… A lot of time. It’s absolutely essential that you don’t give in to frustration and assume your child can’t get a grip on his problematic actions and reactions. If your child senses that you have given up on him, he’s likely to give up too—and then change will never happen.

If you feel like you’re in danger of “breaking down” due to the difficulty inherent in parenting a high-needs child, remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Support is available, in the form of mental health professionals, parent support groups, and friends and family members. Reach out for help and give yourself breaks when you need them; sometimes a bit of time away from your child can help you get the perspective you need to see the progress he’s made.

Even if your child doesn’t make significant progress, you shouldn’t lose hope. He may have been misdiagnosed or have more than one disorder; as such, you should talk to his physician about getting a referral to a psychologist if you have lingering concerns. He or she will be able to perform a more comprehensive evaluation on your child and create an individual treatment plan that meets his needs. Once your child has the right help in place, he’ll probably begin to make great strides toward healing.

3 Common Triggers of ADHD Rage Attacks

While every child with ADHD and anger child issues has unique needs, certain situational triggers seem to frequently set off intense anger and emotional outbursts. Being aware of these common triggers and having action plans for how to deal with angry ADHD child behaviour can help minimize the frequency and intensity of ADHD rage attacks your child experiences.

1. Transitions & Schedule Changes

Many children with ADHD react extremely negatively to transitions or unexpected changes to their schedule. Their brains have difficulty shifting gears, causing them to feel overwhelmed by too much change. Have predictable routines, give advance warnings of transitions, and implement visual schedules or timers counting down to the next activity.

2. Sensory Overstimulation

Kids with ADHD often have sensory processing problems. Too much noise, brightness, clutter or other sensory chaos overwhelms them, sparking loss of emotional control. Notice what environments overstimulate your child and help adapt (noise-cancelling headphones, sunglasses etc). Build regular sensory breaks into their schedule as well.

3. Social Stressors

Navigating the nuances of peer relationships proves exceptionally difficult for ADHD children, heightening anxiety levels and likelihood of emotional meltdowns. Help your child rehearse and reflect on appropriate social skills using role play, visual aids and children’s books about making friends. Consider social skills therapy.

While ADHD presents very real challenges for anger management, through compassionate support and evidence-based strategies tailored to your child’s needs, parents can help minimize rage attack triggers. Every small step of progress deserves celebration.

In Summary

As exasperating as explosive rage attacks can be, it’s imperatively important for parents to acknowledge the powerful neurological drivers behind emotional dysregulation in ADHD kids. Their frequent anger and outbursts stem from a brain physiology they did not choose but must learn to manage. Demonstrating empathy allows your wounded child to rebuild self-esteem critical for personal agency over engrained neural pathways.

Despite turbulence at home, when parents make the vital shift from reactive frustration to responsive understanding of their child’s condition, they gain the power to guide a hurting child through acquisition of lifelong healthy coping strategies. With compassion as your cornerstone, implement structure through routines, co-created incentive systems and behavior plans tailored to your child’s needs.

Progress won’t always follow a straight path, so celebrate small milestones while seeking targeted support when needed. By doubling down on empathy informed by ADHD’s neurological and emotional realities, parents can transform periods of acute isolation into seasons marked by growth - and closer connections with their exceptional child.

References:

Journal of Affective Disorders. Affective-cognitive-behavioral heterogeneity of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): Emotional dysregulation as a sentinel symptom differentiating "ADHD-simplex" and "ADHD-complex" syndromes. 2022 Jun 15:307:133-141.

 

 

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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