Along with growth spurts, acne, and a strong yearning for independence, adolescence often brings on bouts of depression. For parents, this situation is often doubly worrying: Not only are they concerned about their child’s mental health for what may be the first time, they’re frequently confronted with feelings of helplessness. Their child has, after all, reached the age where he (or she) cannot simply be “rescued” from whatever is frightening or troubling him.
If you find yourself in the aforementioned situation, the first thing you’ll need to understand is that a balanced approach is key to success. You shouldn’t attempt to minimize your concerns (or your teen’s) by assuming that depression is simply a “phase” he’ll grow out of. Conversely, however, neither should you attack the situation too aggressively and force help on your teen before he’s ready (assuming that he’s not a danger to himself, of course). Your role as a parent should be a supportive one: You should monitor your teen’s condition closely (while remaining as respectful of his boundaries as possible), empathize with his struggles, provide positive reinforcement, and make sure help is available should your teen want or need it.
Recognizing The Signs Of Depression
In order to support your teen, you will need to learn to recognize the signs of depression. These include:
- A prolonged period of sadness and/or irritability. If your child appears to be upset or unusually withdrawn more often than not for two weeks (or longer), you should begin to suspect depression.
- A loss of interest in previously engaging hobbies and activities.
- Sustained changes in eating or sleeping habits.
- A persistent lack of energy and motivation (this often includes a decline in academic performance).
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or worthlessness. (If your teen reports also feeling suicidal, seek help from a mental health professional immediately.)
If your child experiences more than one of the symptoms above for a period of weeks or months, professional help is strongly recommended.
3 Steps You Can Take To Help Your Depressed Teen
In addition to seeking professional help, there’s a lot you can do to support your teen at home. Though depression is challenging, as a parent, you are never truly powerless to help your child. Teenagers need love, compassion, and guidance just as much as younger children do—they simply require a more nuanced approach. You can develop such an approach using the techniques described below:
1. Be empathetic and compassionately curious
Dealing with a depressed teen can be frustrating, but it’s important to remember that your moody, irritable teen is simply in pain. Rather than reacting defensively when he’s being difficult, try to put yourself in his position and understand what he’s feeling. Ask him to elaborate on what is troubling him and don’t rush to give advice—put the emphasis on listening instead. Be aware that your sensitive teen is likely to intuit advice as a form of criticism unless it’s delivered compassionately, carefully, and on request.
If your teen feels as though you are actively trying to “fix” him, he’s going to assume that you see him as broken. If you accept him, on the other hand, and listen without judgment, he will almost certainly come to view you as an ally.
2. Recognize what your teen is doing right
Worried parents all too often fall into the habit of pointing out what their depressed teen isn’t doing (hanging out with friends, enjoying hobbies, etc.) in an attempt to prompt him to engage in these activities. Unfortunately, these well-intentioned attempts to motivate your teen are likely to backfire. If your teen is constantly being reminded of his “failures,” he will of course only feel worse about himself.
Instead of falling into the above habit, try pointing out what your teen is doing. Praise him for the “little things” he does, such as going to school each day or doing his chores. While you shouldn’t completely exempt your depressed teen from constructive criticism, it’s important to make sure that your positive remarks outweigh the negative. Your teen needs to know that no matter what, you love him and are proud of him.
3. Be there for your teen, but don’t push him to open up
Adolescents both crave independence and dislike exhibiting vulnerability. This is a perfectly normal part of their development, so try not to take it personally if your teen rebuffs your offers to talk about what he’s feeling. Remain calm and say something like, “I understand that you’re going through a difficult time right now and may not be ready to talk about it. When you are, I’ll be here.”
When your teen does start to open up to you, remember to ask him if he has any ideas about what might help him. Likewise, you should permit him to choose his own therapist when the time comes. This will allow him to retain a sense of control over the situation. Finally, discuss the different types of therapy available (e.g., interpersonal therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, and behavioral activation therapy) and ask him what he thinks of each option. Listen to your teen’s input if, as his therapy progresses, he feels that the process needs to be adjusted. Remember: If your teen is not committed to therapy, it’s unlikely to be effective.
Going Forward
There’s no debating the fact that caring for a depressed teen is difficult. In addition to dealing with your teen’s mood swings and your own worries, you may be faced with tough choices, such as whether or not to medicate your teen. As you join your child on the long journey back to wellness, make sure to take care of yourself, too. Just as small children internalize their parents’ unhappiness, if your teen senses you are overwhelmed due to him, he’s likely to feel guilty and try to mask his symptoms. By accessing support for yourself as well as your teen, you can maintain a healthy, balanced home—exactly the kind of environment your teen needs.
