Having a child with Asperger’s Syndrome can be a true adventure. The relationship you have with your child will definitely be unique and extraordinary. The amount of time you spend with your child helps them trust you, learn your mannerisms, and determine how to interact. This might leave you confused about why there is such a struggle in getting them to do the same with others. A child with Asperger’s may seem very chatty and willing to speak to anyone who listens leading many to believe they are very social. Other children can be silent, or rarely speak, for many years and be totally content. In either circumstance, there is a deficit in social skills. These exceptional children can learn how to be more appropriate in social situations. Some might feel that children with Asperger’s should be left to their own devices and that society should learn to deal with them and their quirks. In some cases this works, and the child learns to assimilate into their relationships due to peer feedback. In most cases, though, allowing them to learn from natural consequences increases the chances of isolation, bullying, and frustration while creating difficulties in working with others in academia or occupational environments. Everyone wants what is the best for their child and because you may have been taught manners and etiquette as a child, rarely did we get lessons on how to determine when to end a conversation by reading non-verbal cues.
The first step in helping your child become socially astute is to do so as a community. Your child will need to have ample opportunity to practice and hone their newly developing skills with trustworthy and willing adults that can help guide them. This could be at daycare or school, camps, clubs, or in sports. If they are not involved in organized groups or in a school-like environment, you can arrange play dates or small parties and get-togethers on a regular basis. This orchestration of social interactions will require a lot of behind the scenes pre-planning. Make a list of social skills that are age appropriate that you have noticed your child having difficulty with. An example is unnatural or absent eye contact, either of which can create a level of discomfort in a conversation. Some simple skills that can be worked on is being attentive to conversations that are of no interest to them, learning to handle winning and losing, introductions with an appropriate amount of information, and how to decipher facial expressions. Once you determine what you feel are the top two or three skills, have conversations with the adults who will be present about how to facilitate or guide interactions. Plan to have built in activities that will prompt interaction and allow for rewards when the desired skills are used. If you will not be present, be sure that the supervising adult at least gives you a summary of achievements if they are unable to provide rewards for behavior immediately.
Creating the groundwork for your child is also very important. Teaching concrete social skills with directive instructions and prompts prior to social interactions will allow for eventual independence in relationships. For those who are very young and might not understand directives, you can always do role play. Role play does not have to be a scheduled teaching moment but can be spontaneous and fun. This is not much different than noticing a child without Asperger’s doing something inappropriate and intervening. Instead of having a stern conversation followed by losing that day’s dessert, you can replay the situation with your child and help them learn the appropriate way to react. A child with Asperger’s will not readily understand that someone yelling at them or leaving the game is upset. They may not understand the cause and effect of their actions in relation to others. They will also not make the connection of your displeasure and their behavior to the extent that it will change behavior in the future. If the child is old enough to have a discussion with you, you can explain that certain reactions mean certain things. You can play games with them to allow them to learn social norms. An example is to play out a situation with another sibling or watch a movie clip where a social interaction occurs. Discuss it and ask them to say if and how they would respond differently. Ask them to point out facial expressions and non-verbal communication and identify them in context. After your child has had some success in identification of social norms, reward them for being friendly and appropriate. Just like with any other skill, the more you practice, the easier it will be and eventually it will become more natural.
There are also resources that can help with teaching social skills both at home and in the community. Schools employ assistants who can help your child work well in the classroom with peers and the teacher. There are organizations that can send a trained person, on a daily basis or as needed, to assist you and your child to be successful. Not every parent has the time, patience, or ability to take on the task of teaching social skills. Having someone who is trained in empirical methods that have been shown to work with most individuals can allow for a fairly pain free transition to independence and working relationships with others.
Learning social skills is different for every child, including those who do not have Asperger’s. It can be a challenge for any parent. One important tip is to seek support. Doing this alone can become taxing and emotionally draining. Finding other parents in your community or online who are having the same difficulties will keep you from feeling alone and hopeless when things are not progressing the way you expected. Brainstorming with others and developing new ways to approach your situation will keep you from feeling as though nothing is working and your child from becoming frustrated. Remember that the reward for you is a child that is able to succeed in life and relationships.
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