Talking to your children about sex is the very archetype of an awkward conversation, so many parents may find themselves tempted to outsource this task to either educators or online search engines. Likewise, they sometimes assume that the latter two resources are superior sources of knowledge anyway, or that they ought not “rush” their child and let him or her seek out information only when ready.
These ideas are, however, erroneous: Parents remain the single most important sex educators for their kids and proactive parenting is the key here. One must keep in mind that teens are quite unlikely to approach another adult (i.e. an educator) for knowledge; instead, they invariably turn to either their friends or the Internet. Their friends are, of course, no more qualified to give advice on the topic than they are, and the Internet (particularly the social media sites teens tend to frequent) is rife with misinformation.
As such, parents can prevent their teens from making dangerous mistakes by talking to them about sexuality, doing so early on, and speaking in an open, non-judgmental fashion. Remember that these conversations do not require you as a parent to have expert knowledge on all things related to sexuality; the power of parental influence lies more in the sharing of support, values, and wisdom from lived experience. Research has shown that teens who have discussed sex with parents are more likely to use birth control when they do decide to engage in sexual activity.
Teens and Sex: The Facts
- Self-esteem is very important: Teens who have a positive self-image typically make more rational decisions about sex.
- Peer pressure is prevalent: Many teenagers believe that most of their friends have already engaged in sexual activity, or are actively doing so. Boys are particularly susceptible to the idea that they therefore “must” have sex.
- Teen STD rates are very high: According to recent report by Center for Disease Control (CDC), almost 25% of American teenage girls between ages 14 and 19 were infected with at least one of common STDs. We don't have similar statistics for Canada due to limitations on reporting certain STD cases.
- Teen pregnancy is a significant issue: While declining over the past few years, teen pregnancy rate in the US is still more than double than in Europe and in Canada. According to CDC statistics for 2013, 1 in 4 teenage girls in the US gets pregnant before the age 20.
- Teens tend to assume their peers are far more sexually experienced than they are, which adds yet more pressure to be sexually active.
Talking to Your Teen: Essential Topics
Your child may try to give the appearance of already being well-versed in the topics below (remember, they face daily pressure to seem experienced), but it's worthwhile to cover all of them, just in case there are gaps in your teen's understanding:
- The anatomy of male and female reproductive systems;
- Sexual Intercourse;
- Pregnancy;
- The value of postponing sex, or abstaining altogether;
- The difference between sex and love/affection;
- Birth control and how to have safe sex.
- Sexual orientations (heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, etc.), and gender orientations (transgender, agender, etc.)
- HIV/AIDS and other STDs;
- Substance use and sex: How drugs and alcohol can alter decision-making.
How to approach your teen:
Most teens come across as being highly uncomfortable when asked to speak about sexuality, but there are some techniques parents can employ to make the conversation go a little more smoothly:
First, get your values clear in your own mind.
Your teen will likely challenge your points of view—this is normal and healthy, and should not be met with defensiveness. Instead, before you discuss sex topics with your child, think about your own values regarding sex: Why do you believe what you believe? Be prepared to calmly explain your views, and if they differ from accepted wisdom in any way, make sure you're able to logically explain why they do.
Do not hide the facts from your teen.
Options pertaining to sexuality (e.g. birth control, abortion) may not align with your personal beliefs, particularly if you are a religious person, but this does not mean you should avoid discussing them. Your child will learn the facts elsewhere, after all, and if he or she feels misled by you or like certain things are “off limits”, he or she will be unlikely to turn to you again in the future. Instead of pretending differing viewpoints do not exist, emphasize that it's okay to respectfully disagree, and try to compromise by finding a common moral ground. Likewise, you should always practice what you preach when it comes to sexuality and morality: Teens learn foremost by example, so if they see you living your values in a way that is beneficial to you, they are likely to emulate you over time.
Talk to your child, not at them.
Remember: This is a conversation, so you should endeavour to do just as much listening as you are speaking—perhaps more. Try to discover what children think and feel about sex and relationships before telling them what they should feel and think about these topics (to appeal to your teen's established value system, you must first know what it is).
Let your teen know the door is always open.
To lessen the discomfort your teen associates with discussing sexuality, try to segue the topic into an affirmation that you are indeed interested in what he or she has to say: About sexuality, relationships, marriage, religion, society, or anything else that might be on his or her mind. Remember to praise your teen for sharing his or her feelings, and acknowledge how brave it is to do so.
Keep educating your teen throughout his or her development.
While it's important not to lecture your teen, it's equally essential to not allow “the talk” to be a one-time event, never to be brought up again. Instead, look for small moments throughout the following years where opportunities to bestow further knowledge naturally present themselves, and keep the conversation going.
Don't be too serious.
It's vital to keep a sense of humour when discussing sexuality; failing to do so may make the topic seem serious to the point of being dire, and cause your teen to avoid it forever after. A bit of levity goes a long way toward defusing tense situations and making you seem approachable.
Image Credit: Paul Scott @ https://www.flickr.com/photos/daniellehelm/5155253218
