Resisting Peer Pressure: How Parents Can Help

Dr. Tali Shenfield | December 23, 2015

 

When a child suddenly starts insisting on owning certain items or picking out his or her own clothing, there is often far more than youthful stubbornness or greediness at play. While many parents believe that peer pressure only truly gets intense as children enter their teens, in reality, many children deal with it while still in primary school—usually by about 8 years of age, as their thinking skills grow to encompass more fluid, abstract, and complex ideas, allowing them to develop a concept of “coolness”.

This early peer pressure may take many different forms, such as:

  • - Pressure to obtain a girlfriend or boyfriend, even though the child is too young to be truly ready for one;
  • - Facing humiliation for not having the “right” toys, clothing, shoes, etc.;
  • - Pressure to be one of the “cool” kids in order to receive invites to parties and other events;
  • - Pressure to be mean to other children, usually those who have been deemed socially unacceptable;
  • - Pressure to lose weight through diet or exercise (children become increasingly aware of their bodies around this age).

This pressure typically increases as children near their “tween” years, with a particularly intense emphasis placed on appearance and emulating adult behaviours (many of which parents do not find appropriate). At this time, children often face the possibility of social ostracism for wearing the wrong brand name, for not having “cool” gadgets, and for not being up for anything their peers dare them to do.

This pressure often reaches parents in the form of children relentlessly asking for certain items, or to be allowed to do certain things, and as such, it becomes a pressure that adds tension to the entire household. It is often therefore tempting to shut children down abruptly when they nag in this way, or to get angry and punish them, but before reacting thus, one should pause to consider the impacts peer pressure is having on the child's developing mind.

Children crave, and need, peer acceptance to feel good about themselves; this is not a form of weakness, but rather, simply a result of how the human brain is wired. When children lack this acceptance, they often become sad or cranky, and may even grow depressed.

If the problem is not remedied, low self-esteem is the inevitable result, which leads to even more tension in the home, as children who have poor self-esteem are prone to acting out simply to fit in. Children who feel this way are more likely to take up smoking, abuse drugs and alcohol, skip school, engage in petty crime, or become promiscuous as they enter their teen years.

It is therefore very important to recognize the signs of low self-esteem as a result of peer pressure before the child enters his or her “tween” years. In younger children, these signs frequently include withdrawn behaviour, a deep desire to avoid school, irritability, hostility when asked about their friends, and odd bouts of anxiety. Children may also display an almost paranoid need to check up on their chosen social media sites.

While not all peer pressure is inherently negative—in its more positive form, it can be very motivating—it's vital to equip children with the tools they need to survive its more harmful variations.

 

Helping Children to Resist Negative Peer Pressure

When it comes to helping children cope with peer pressure, parents are far from helpless; there is, in fact, a great deal which can be done at home to aid a child who is dealing with difficult social situations at school.

The first and most important step is to make sure the child knows that he or she is loved unconditionally—even if the pressure is making him or her sometimes behave in less than pleasant ways. This absolute acceptance will go a long way toward shoring up the child's self-esteem, and will encourage the child to stay true to the values of his or her parents, regardless of what the other children are pushing him or her to do.

In addition to the above, to counterbalance the myriad effects of negative peer pressure, parents should employ the following techniques:

Do not apply labels to your child. It's fine to describe which of your child's behaviours you find negative, but avoid actually labelling the child. For example, stating, “When you withdraw into your room all the time, I worry about you and miss you,” rather than saying, “You've become such a loner.”

Make note of your child's achievements. Simply flattering an insecure child often has no positive effect as it does not feel genuine to the recipient, but emphasizing a child's actual accomplishments will usually build his or her confidence. It also makes the child wish to keep your approval, enough so that he or she may resist negative peer pressure if it will interfere with said approval.

Teach your child how to appear assertive. Having a confident tone of voice and clear boundaries often makes a child appear difficult to pressure or bully, and these communication skills can easily be taught in the home via role playing games (professional coaching may also help). Children should also be prepared with socially acceptable excuses to avoid doing things they are not comfortable doing.

Stay approachable to your child. The less you react to your child with anger or criticism, the more he or she will turn to you for advice, alleviating a great deal of the sense of burden and isolation associated with negative peer pressure.

Talk about your own experiences with peer pressure. A young child often feels his or her parents are unable to understand what he or she is experiencing, a belief which makes peer pressure feel all the more isolating. As such, discussing your own experiences with peer pressure can be very comforting to the child, in addition to providing strategies on how to cope. 

Praise your child when he or she resists peer pressure, and do not judge when he or she succumbs. The stronger your child feels, the easier it will be to resist peer pressure; as such, you should affirm that he or she is brave for standing up to this pressure, and when he or she cannot, always remain gentle and supportive.

While peer pressure is a strong influential force, through using the above methods, parents can make a significant difference in how their children respond to its more negative aspects, enabling them to reach adulthood with confidence, a strong sense of self, and a healthy set of boundaries.

 

Image Credit: flickr.com/photos/littlesourire/12989897375

 

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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