How to Engage in Play With Your Children

While most parents are aware of how important play is for the developing brains of their children, many have a difficult time getting into it themselves, failing to feel enriched by the experience beyond the enjoyment of seeing their children happy. They view it in the light of a duty, even if it's one that many do willingly for the sake of their sons and daughters. This, of course, often leads to feelings of guilt and parents wondering if something is “wrong” with them for not enjoying the act of playing with their children.

However, the problem usually lies in the approach these parents take, rather than within them as individuals. Parents are frequently instructed to let children “dominate” the play sessions, to allow them to take the lead and do the bulk of the imaginative work. While an element of this is beneficial, many parents take the idea too far, becoming passive bystanders in the process.

When the issue is analyzed objectively, it's apparent that spending leisure time with anyone under such circumstances would hardly be enjoyable. If one let one's adult peers choose and dominate shared activities constantly, one would soon feel time with them to be a duty as well.

Adding to the imbalance described above, children's brains are wired differently; they tend to enjoy a great deal of repetition when playing, as their developing brains are prompting them to repeatedly practice skills until those skills have been mastered. They also often take a delight in pushing boundaries through bossing adults around, as this is a way of asserting their developing identities. Neither of these things, while perfectly natural to children, are enjoyable for the adults around them.

This is likely why child-adult play did not exist in the past in the way it does now; throughout most of the eras of human history and within most cultures, children have played almost exclusively with other children, according to the extensive research of anthropologists. Indeed, cultural anthropologists have found that even today, in most non-Western cultures, child-parent play remains an occasional phenomenon, one where children often attempt to “join in” adult activities and the adults present allow them to, so long as they do not get in the way too much. This arrangement does nothing to harm the children in question because they get ample opportunities to play with children of diverse ages and backgrounds throughout their days. In these societies, children are also often being cared for by the elders and, thus, spend much quality time and develop close connections with them.

In such societies, when adults do play with their children, it's usually because they have some extra time away from their daily duties, or they simply happen to be in a lighthearted mood—in short, they are doing so purely for the sake of fun, and the experience is therefore much truer to the real spirit of play.

However, due to the structure of Western society, smaller number of siblings, and break-down of multi-generation families, frequent play with peers of different ages and elders is not generally possible. In this climate, play with the parents becomes a reasonable substitute, and, according to many psychologists, a necessary element in the process of healthy development. Fortunately, there are strategies parents can employ to make play more fulfilling and enjoyable.

Learning to Enjoy Play as a Parent

Parenting tends to be fraught with extremes; usually, parents are expected to maintain perfect control and authority in order to serve their child's every need, so when they enter into their child's domain (playtime) they often compensate by turning around and serving their child's every need by surrendering authority almost entirely. On both sides of this polarity, there is little room for the parents to be individuals, let alone relax and enjoy themselves.

The key to successful play is to instead engage in compromise and negotiation, as two children usually do when agreeing to a game. How many times have you witnessed a pair of children arguing over who gets to play which role (e.g. who gets to be the police officer and who gets to be the “bad guy”), and how they will each do so? Children tend to (sometimes loudly and boisterously) negotiate their play with peers, until both parties are at least somewhat satisfied. If that doesn't occur, usually they don't end up playing together at all. Likewise, as soon as a given game loses its appeal to one of the children present, the negotiation process is begun anew.

Voicing dissent and asking your child to incorporate your needs into play activities will not stifle him or her; indeed, by not voicing displeasure, parents ironically do their children a disservice—much of the social learning that play is meant to stimulate comes from having to adapt to the needs, desires, and feelings of others. When we remove this aspect, social play becomes largely pointless; the child might as well be practicing repetitive skills alone, or playing a computer game.

“But,” you might be wondering at this point, “How will I know when I'm going too far, when I'm actually taking over the play session? After all, I've taught my child to obey me; he might start doing so automatically.”

It's true that this does happen; sometimes, parents suddenly find themselves intent on completing their child's Lego set themselves or building the perfect sandcastle, for example, and their child ends up watching from the sidelines simply because the parent is so much better at the activity than the child. If you find yourself falling into this habit, however, the answer is not to adopt the opposite approach and let your child dominate instead; rather, you should engage in social learning, and use the play experience to learn new ways to intuit the needs and wants of others.

If you find yourself dominating play, look at your motivations: Do you want to impress other adults in the vicinity? Are you not taking enough time to nourish your own hobbies, and so latch onto creative activities as soon as the opportunity arises, becoming overly focused on them as a result? Do you struggle with perfectionism? Regardless of your reason, tackle the behaviour rather than judging yourself as a person.

Play Ideas That Benefit Parents and Children Alike

If you're looking for an enjoyable new game to introduce to your child, the following suggestions may prove useful:

“Rough and Tumble” Style Games

As adults, we're always looking for new and engaging ways to work a bit of physical activity into our days, so creating a game where you're a “monster” who pretends to chase the child and capture him or her can be both healthy for you and thrilling to a small child (so long as you remain mindful that he or she does not actually become frightened). Other options include jumping into piles of leaves or pillows, tossing the child gently and catching him or her, and giving piggyback rides.

Sporting Games

Another great choice for adults (owing to the potential exercise involved) is creating games out of altered sports, where the rules have been modified to make the sport fair and playable for the children present. A version of softball where the adults have to hop on one leg between bases, for example, would be both fair to children and likely to greatly amuse them.

Card and Board Games

Card and board games are a true source of fun for all ages—no matter if one is nine or ninety, the suspense of being set back six squares on a board and the excitement of laying down a final victory card are keenly felt. Likewise, many games rely on the mastery of simple skills, which will help to challenge children intellectually.

Try setting aside a “family game night” once per week and fill it with games everyone can agree on. Prepare your family's favourite snacks and treats, and you will create the atmosphere of a small party, delighting everyone in attendance.

Author: Anna Kaminsky

Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Jan 8, 2016