There are many theories trying to explain why we see such a rapid increase in the rates of anxiety among children. Regardless of the explanations, the fact remains that child anxiety is on the rise and we now see more and more young children - often as young as 5-6 years old - with clinical levels of anxiety.
Parenting chronically anxious children is a delicate balancing act, one which often causes even the most well-meaning parents to stumble. In trying to protect their children from the constant onslaught of their fears and worries, parents can unwittingly exacerbate the very anxiety they hope to soothe. Fortunately, through having effective anxiety-management strategies in place, such as the ten outlined below, we can avoid falling into such negative cycles:
- 1. Understand that anxiety cannot be eliminated, but it can be managed.
Parents often place unrealistic expectations on themselves, as when their children are unhappy, they take full responsibility for the situation. However, this pressure will only increase the parent's anxiety, which in turn amplifies that of the child.
Remember that you cannot possibly protect your child from every last thing that triggers his or her anxiety; you can only give your child tools to manage that anxiety in a way that is healthy and functional. Usually, as a child learns to use these tools, he or she will feel more in control, and thus naturally become less anxious.
To evaluate child's anxiety levels and the risk of anxiety disorder, parents can try this free child online anxiety screening test .
- 2. Don't avoid each and every thing that triggers your child's anxiety.
Avoiding those things which trigger a child's anxiety is only ever useful as a short-term solution; while it might be applicable here and there when a child is truly overwhelmed, if you make a habit of doing so by default, you will actually end up validating and reinforcing the anxiety. As a parent, it's important not to foster attitudes of helplessness in an anxious child, and teaching this level of avoidance will do exactly that.
- 3. Be optimistic, but be realistic as well.
Unrealistic reassurances—that your child cannot possibly fail that test, that all the other children will like her, that she will be brilliant at any new undertaking she sets her mind to—accomplish nothing save teaching your child that your advice cannot be relied upon, reducing the overall efficacy of your words. Instead, focus on balanced optimism: That she won't know if she doesn't try, that every experience is a learning experience, and that she will always be loved by you even if she does fail a test. The more realistic your expectations are, the less pressure your child will put on herself.
- 4. Validate anxious feelings, but don't affirm them.
One of the biggest mistakes parents of anxious children make is trying to reassure a child by dismissing his or her fears (calling them “silly”, saying “There's no reason to be afraid of that”, etc.) Instead, parents should validate the feelings (“It's normal to worry about that,” or “I was scared of that at your age, too”) but stop short of agreeing with them. Instead, put the focus on listening, empathizing, and helping the child to understand the root of the anxiety, then gently suggest plausible ways to cope with it. Always make sure the child understands that you are there to help him or her through the situation; not feeling alone with the fear will often go a long way toward easing it.
- 5. Be careful to avoid “leading” questions.
Children sometimes have a hard time identifying why they are feeling the way they are, so it can be tempting to ask them questions that lead to a plausible answer: “Are you nervous because of the big test tomorrow?”, “Are you scared the other children won't like you?”, and so on. Doing so, however, implies that there is reason to worry about these things—leading questions give a kind of indirect confirmation that there is something to fear. As such, you should always try to replace leading questions with open-ended ones, e.g. “How are you feeling about going to Sarah's birthday party?”
- 6. Mind the message that your body language is sending.
If your child has had a bad experience with something, it's instinctual to react with anxiety the next time your child is around that thing, as you're anticipating the child will respond negatively. If you let that tension show up in your body language, you will affirm that there is indeed something to fear, so it's imperative that you remind yourself to take a deep breath, relax, and convey a relaxed stance instead.
- 7. Positively affirm your child's efforts to manage anxiety.
Children react very strongly to parental encouragement, so by letting your child know that you appreciate how much effort it takes to tolerate and manage his or her anxiety, you give your child an extra “boost” that helps him or her to keep tackling stressors. The more a child tackles these stressors, the more confident he or she becomes, and the weaker anxiety gets.
- 8. Reduce periods of anticipation.
The most difficult part of facing a fear is the period leading up to it—children and adults alike imagine stressful events will be worse than they actually are. As such, you should try to reduce periods of anticipation wherever possible; rather than launching into a discussion about a stressful event hours before it happens, for example, try to distract the child with something pleasant.
- 9. Take the time to examine possibilities.
If your child is asking “what ifs”—what is the worst thing that could happen if you neglected to pick her up from school, for example—don't dismiss these scenarios as unrealistic. Instead, see them through, walking the child through the logical steps that would be taken: She would tell a teacher, the teacher would call you, the teacher would wait with her, and if you couldn't be reached, another trusted adult would be called to pick her up instead. When such a plan is laid out, children often realize no dire consequence is really forthcoming.
- 10. Teach by example.
Through learning to manage stress and anxiety healthily in your own life, you can effectively model these techniques for your child. Children learn foremost by emulating their parents, so your own behaviours can make a profound difference. Show your children that you get anxious, as we all do, but that you have found ways to tolerate it, work with it, and emerge from it feeling positive and empowered.
