Feeling Manipulated By Your Child? Here’s How To Regain Control

Dr. Tali Shenfield | October 22, 2018

As parents, we’ve all experienced our children using less-than-constructive methods of persuasion. Whether it’s picking fights to cause a distraction or faking sick to avoid schoolwork or chores, children are endlessly inventive when it comes to getting their own way. Unfortunately, this tenacity can lead to parents feeling frustrated, exhausted, and helpless. As a result, many start giving in to their child’s tantrums and demands—and the behaviour continues to escalate.

When dealing with a manipulative child, it’s essential to understand that he (or she) does not start out wanting to harm you. Your child is trying to manipulate upsetting situations, not you specifically. Imagine, for instance, the mind of a thirteen year old boy whose friends all have the latest gaming console while he does not: He feels left out of group activities and is certain that his place in the social hierarchy is gravely threatened. He therefore acts out in sheer desperation, begging, wheedling, throwing tantrums, and doing anything else he can to wear his parents down so that they purchase him the thing he “needs.” When analyzed objectively, such a reaction is far more understandable and natural than if the boy simply shrugged and gave up the first time his parents said “no.” Furthermore, his attempt to control the situation and remain socially engaged demonstrates a capacity for independent, persuasive thought and communication—skills that, when properly developed, will be an asset in adult life.

So, where does it all go wrong, then? How do children go from being healthily strong-willed to being emotional tyrants? Typically, the answer is simple: They are taught that manipulation is the most effective way to get what they want.

To exemplify this point, let’s return to the scenario above: What do you think will happen if the boy eventually wears his parents down and they begrudgingly cave in to his demands for a gaming console? Then, when he wants a new pair of “cool” sneakers a month later and tries the same tactics, he’s met with similar success? Even if it takes weeks for the boy to “wear down” his parents and get each of these items, he’ll learn that—if you just try hard enough—manipulation will eventually yield favourable results. Because children pick up new habits very quickly, it will probably only take a few such victories for the boy to fully integrate this lesson.

If, on the other hand, the boy’s parents decide to either, a) Remain firm on their “no” answer; b) Make the boy wait until a genuine special occasion arises, or c) Set up a system where he has to earn the console (via chores or good grades), the outcome will likely be far different. By putting reasonable boundaries and expectations in place, the boy’s parents can stop him from directly linking manipulative behaviour to reward.

How To Prevent Manipulative Behaviour From Getting Out Of Control

Eventually, manipulative behaviour can become much more nuanced and complex than a simple case of acting out to secure immediate gain. Children may learn to fake sick, play dumb, or use interpersonal charm to get their own way in a wide variety of different situations. Parents therefore need a multifaceted strategy for curbing manipulative behaviour before it can become an entrenched pattern. The five tips below should help you establish, and maintain, a healthy balance of authority in your household:

1. Keep your expectations realistic. No one likes to be told “no” when they want something. As such, your child is unlikely to outgrow the tendency to try to persuade you. Don’t react to this with immediate frustration; it’s perfectly normal, healthy behaviour. Instead, repeat your answer of “no” calmly and consistently if you have decided that you really mean “no.” Eventually you will wear out your child, not vice versa.

2. Do not justify your refusals. You don’t owe your child a lengthy discussion about why you said “no” to his request (a short, simple explanation should suffice). Your child probably will not understand your reasons for saying no—nor will he care. All he will hear is that the debate is still open… And all he wants is to find a way to change your “no” into a “yes.” You’ll therefore simply be wasting your time if you try to placate him or get him to agree with your decision. Let him be upset about it, let him calm down, and refuse to negotiate later.

3. Be firm—but always stay calm. If your child repeatedly attempts to appeal your decision, you must learn to say “no” with force and finality. Do not let your child frustrate or exhaust you into changing your answer to “yes.” If you are feeling overwhelmed by his behaviour, call for a “time out” and separate yourself from the situation until you can once again say “no” evenly and confidently. Remember, if your child provokes you to display anger, there’s a chance that you will feel guilty afterwards and indulge him by way of apology.

4. Decide how flexible you are about the issue at hand before discussing it with your child. Not every request has to be met with a “no” in order for you to parent effectively. On the contrary, sometimes it’s good to allow your child to exercise his communication skills by discussing a matter you’re flexible about. (If your child sees you as being completely rigid and unyielding, he may eventually rebel to assert his independence.) You should, however, establish clear boundaries in your own mind before negotiating with your child, e.g., how much are you willing to discuss the issue? What do you expect from your child in order for him to earn a “yes” answer? (This might be something as simple as a respectful tone or as elaborate as good test scores for the next month. What matters is that you know exactly what you want from your child beforehand.) If your child violates these boundaries, close the discussion and disengage—do not keep negotiating.

5. Be prepared to become more lenient over time. As your child grows older, you will need to become more open to granting “yes” answers in certain areas. Make sure that your “no” answers are kept consistent with your child’s level of development, otherwise he will not be able to grow effectively. It is, for instance, completely appropriate to forbid a four year old from going to the park alone, but a fourteen year old may need greater freedom in order to explore his independence. Don’t let your fears, anxieties, or need for control interfere with your decision-making in this area.

            If your child has already gotten into a pattern of manipulation, the methods above are likely to be met with significant resistance when you first implement them. This, too, is normal—stand firm and do not allow your child’s escalating behaviour to get the better of you. Your child has to start learning that you have clear, inviolable boundaries. At the same time, however, you need to keep in mind that better discipline does not mean shutting your child out: You should still listen—so long as he is being respectful—and still empathize with him. While your child needs limits, he also needs to know that you’re not his enemy. With practice, you will learn how to effectively balance firmness with patience and kindness.

About Tali Shenfield

Dr. Tali Shenfield holds a PhD in Psychology from the University of Toronto and is a licensed school and clinical psychologist. She has taught at the University of Toronto and has worked at institutions including the Hospital for Sick Children, Hincks-Dellcrest Centre, TDSB, and YCDSB. Dr. Shenfield is the Founder and Clinical Director of Advanced Psychology Services.

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