It's natural for parents to desire that their children be driven to achieve; given how obsessed our culture has become with rigorous testing and tough competition for college admissions, this capacity for high levels of self-motivation may seem essential to a child's long-term success.
What many fail to realize, however, is that when a driven attitude is allowed to progress to the point of becoming perfectionism, it may well hinder a child's odds of achieving his or her dreams. Recent research has demonstrated that children who succumb to perfectionist attitudes are less likely to achieve their goals and shape their futures proactively than those who do not, due to the fact that perfectionism often results in depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Understanding the Roots of Perfectionism: is it Nature or Nurture?
While many of our personality traits are shaped strongly by environmental factors, emerging evidence in the field of neurobiology suggests that perfectionism is one of the few that may be somewhat “hard wired” into the brains of certain individuals. How dominant the trait becomes, however, is dependent on a person's experiences and culture.
Therein lies much of the issue for those born with the innate tendency to be perfectionists; our culture strongly emphasizes the value of having the “perfect” face and body, our universities seek those applicants who have “perfect” grades, and our sports teams favour those who can win the game nearly every time it is played. As such, parents, teachers, and mentors must consciously seek to counterbalance this insidious influence.
Recognizing the Signs of Perfectionism
The initial signs of perfectionism in children often include:
• An intense fear of failure;
• Equating making mistakes with “weakness”;
• Frequently needing approval regarding how he or she looks;
• Becoming unable to handle even reasonable criticism;
• Feeling as though any grade lower than an “A” is not acceptable, or that a C grade is tantamount to failure;
• Living by rigid arbitrary rules;
• Believing that others do not have to work as hard as he or she does to achieve the same results.
As these beliefs are, of course, based on an irrational mindset, they tend to lead to the afflicted child making poor decisions: He or she works to the point of burnout, becomes indecisive, and sets goals which cannot be reached (which in turn harms his or her self-esteem). All of this becomes a vicious cycle wherein the perfectionist works harder and harder, yet never feels good enough.
This is not to suggest, however, that the underlying personality traits which drive perfectionism (such as diligence, thoroughness, and ambition) are wholly negative; when managed properly, they can propel a person toward excellence. The key lies in mitigating the anxiety that often accompanies striving for perfection.
Effectively Managing Anxiety
While anxiety cannot be repressed—and one should not try to do so—the underlying traits which lead to it can be recognized and adjusted so that the impact of a child's anxious tendencies are greatly reduced.
In order to accomplish the aforementioned, parents can present their anxious child with alternative skills, concepts, and behaviors which may be used to positively modify those traits which drive their anxiety, such as:
• Instill the value of pacing one's self: If a child is so driven by a sense of responsibility that he or she lacks adequate self-care strategies, teach him or her how to conserve energy by setting reasonable limits. Make sure the child understands how over-exertion may lead to illness; that one can only “do it all” for so long before they burn themselves out and must take complete rest. Teach the child how to prioritize tasks according to urgency and importance, and emphasize that it is okay to ask for help or to say “no” when things are getting to be too much.
• Replace ideas of perfectionism with the concept of excellence: Explain that doing the best one can within the limitations of a given situation is all that is possible for anyone, and that it is worthy of reward and admiration. Teach the child how to break down large tasks into smaller “units” and treat the successful completion of each unit as a small victory. Likewise, make sure the child learns to see mistakes not as failures, but as part of an experimentation process that will eventually lead to a successful result.
• Make sure the child's goals are achievable: Show children how to “start small” with their goals and slowly work their way up toward grander ones as their confidence and abilities grow. Be sure to establish enjoyment as an important goal in its own right, and to remind children to not pressure themselves to get everything “done” before they can relax—the work will still be there tomorrow.
• Teach the child the art of “positive self-talk”: Having a positive inner dialogue will help a child who is overly sensitive to criticism rebound more quickly after receiving judgment from another. Children should learn to listen calmly to such feedback, then put a motivating, proactive spin on it, acknowledging that while they cannot control others, they can control their own feelings, actions, and reactions.
• Teach the child relaxation techniques: Taking time to read, nap, do light exercise, listen to music, etc. is often very helpful to anxious children.
• Teach more assertive, confident communication techniques: These include learning to accept a compliment (making eye contact and saying thank you, for example), learning to establish boundaries, and learning how to state one's needs while also empathizing with others (and how to reach a compromise).
• Replace ideas of “should” with “choice”: Children should be taught to see life as a series of choices, rather than obligations. We try to make the best possible choices for ourselves in order to be successful, but it is unreasonable to assume we will be able to follow through on everything we want to do.
• Discourage black and white thinking: Anxious children often have “all or nothing” attitudes, and as such, they should be encouraged to be more flexible in their assessments, to see that life is complex and contains many variables beyond our control. It is essential that anxiety be detected and treated early; the longer anxiety is allowed to influence a child's developing brain, the greater the odds become that the affected child will go on to develop an anxiety disorder.
If you believe your child has, or is developing, an anxiety disorder, you may use an online diagnostic test for anxiety disorders as a guide. If the test results suggest that your child is at high risk of anxiety disorder, it is recommended you seek professional assistance as soon as possible.
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