How NOT to Raise A Narcissist

Lenora Thompson | June 16, 2016

Narcissism screams from the headlines nowadays. Google searches for “narcissism” have doubled since 2013. Writers hotly debate on the narcissism of each USA presidential candidate. Closer to home, doting parents worry they may unwittingly be raising a narcissist.

As a former teenage narcissist and member of a multi-generational narcissistic family, here's a few pointers for how not to raise a narcissist from real-life observation...and sad experience.

But first... what the heck is a narcissist?

 

Narcissism Deciphered

Imagine to yourself the gas gauge of a car. Traditionally, it’s a half-circle and there’s a red “E” for empty and a white “F” for full, on opposite sides of the arch.

Now imagine the gas gauge is a full 360° circle instead. The “E” and “F” are right next to each other. Butted up to each other, back-to-back.

But it isn’t a gas gauge. It’s a self-esteem gauge. The “E” and “F” represent the person’s self-esteem. On a narcissist, the needle appears to be bouncing vigorously on “F.” Or is it? Actually, that’s just a well-rehearsed act. They appear to have a full tank of self-esteem... when in fact the needle is deep in “E” territory.

In other words, narcissism is a set of coping mechanisms employed by those who have zero self-esteem to protect themselves from further excruciatingly painful blows to their non-existent self-esteem. They cope by using rationalization, projection, criticism, braggadocio and a host of other techniques so 1) they're never wrong and 2) they're always the best.

 

Have Good Self-Esteem Yourself

That's right! One of the best ways to not raise a narcissistic child is to be okay in your own skin. Value and love yourself... just for being you. In other words, don't be a narcissist.

You see, narcissism is a multi-generational thing passed down from parent to child. Perhaps the best defense against raising a little narcissist is not modeling the mindset, the defensiveness, the projection and uber-criticalness of a narcissist.

 

Don't Over-Criticize

As much as they may feign indifference, your child values your good opinion more than you'll ever know. Your opinion of them forms the basis for their lifelong self-concept and self-esteem.

If you nitpick, criticize and nag, they'll pick up the habit in their own minds. Your voice will ring in their ears for a lifetime, criticizing everything they think, feel, do and say.

Conversely, if you keep the criticisms to a minimum and genuinely like your child, they'll feel themselves to be a pretty good sort, likable, okay. In other words, they won't be a narcissist.

 

Don't Over-Praise

That's right. You didn't misread that. Yes, praise your child for what they do...but not over much.  In the straight-forward mind of a child, fawning praise translates to…

My Good Performance = Value as a Human Being

Conversely...

My Bad Performance = No Value as a Human Being

Y'know what another word for this is? Conditional Love.

 

When you over-praise your child for their performance in scholastics, the arts or sports, they're automatically concluding that your love and acceptance is contingent on their performance. Thus, their value as a human being is also contingent on performance.

These are the kids who grow up to have the perfect house, the perfect boat, the perfect car and clothes... but inside they're devoid of self-esteem. They're your workaholics who work eighteen or twenty hour days in a lifelong quest to earn the love of their parents. Meanwhile, their neglected relationships are in shreds.

Instead, love and praise them just because they're your child. Merely for existing. In other words, lavish them with unconditional love.

 

Don't Practice Clairvoyance

Every parent has said it: “Wipe that look off your face!” But do you really know what your child is thinking and feeling? Is your clairvoyance really that good?

I doubt it.

Instead of assuming what your child is thinking and feeling, ask them. Don't assume the worst. Don't project your own vices onto them. Don't paint them with the broad brush of “Typical rebellious teenager who thinks their parents are dumb.” Before judging, lecturing and punishing, listen to their side of the story. Make it safe for them to tell the truth and don't assume they're lying.

 

Never Compete, Never Sabotage

It happens more than we care to admit. That edgy feeling as our child surpasses us in skill, education, attractiveness, career, etc. For an insecure parent, their child leaving the ranks of childhood to become an adult and an equal can be downright threatening.

That's why it's so vital never to compete with your child. Accept them as an equal and an adult. Don't pull rank. Don't play the older-and-wiser card. Don't try to be “besties.” Show respect for their decisions, their boundaries, their privacy. Don't suddenly discover that you have the same talent they have. Don't adopt their hobbies. Don't try to befriend their friends.

Mom, does your daughter enjoy beauty pageants? Don't prance down the catwalk at the Post-Menopausal Pageant.

Dad, is your son a fantastic basketball player? Applaud him..but from the sidelines.

 

Vibes scream louder than words.

Although psychologists disagree on whether narcissists are born or made, in my experience they're made. Definitely made. The seed of narcissism may be silently sown when your child absorbs negative vibes about him.

One narcissist I know was the “reason” his parents “had” to get married in the 1950s. Oh! They never told him. In fact, to their dying days they swore he was three months premature. But he felt the truth. Absorbed the vibe of being unwanted. Puzzled over why he was the family pariah despite excelling in scholastics and sports.

If the circumstances surrounding your child's conception and birth were less than joyful, don't think you can keep it to yourself. You'll telegraph it through vibes despite your best intentions. Your child may never mention it, never ask. But they'll feel it and it'll be the first blow to their self-esteem. 

So...tell them the truth. Follow it up with love, hugs and assurances.

It's your best bet against sowing the tiny seed of narcissism in the heart of your child.

About Lenora Thompson

Lenora Thompson is a well known psychology blogger, writer, editor, and graphics designer. Lenora's humorous and sarcastic writing is largely influenced by her personal childhood experience of being brought up by narcissistic parents who "helicoptered" her for over 30 years. Lenora's writing was published by Huffington Post, Psych Central, and many other online media sites and local publications. It is important to remember that Lenora Thompson is not a mental health professional and her pieces of advice on relationship and parenting are her personal opinion.

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