Am I a Helicopter Parent?

Lenora Thompson | February 19, 2016

The term “helicopter parenting” was coined in 1969, thirty years after the invention of helicopters in 1939. But the dynamic is as old as the hills. My grandma hovered over my mom and the whop-whop-whop of my parents' chopper blades formed the soundtrack of my life.

To helicopter or not to helicopter has been discussed, deliberated and debated. Articles have gone viral. Thousands of books have been sold.

To helicopter, or not to helicopter--that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of our children's failures Or to take arms against a sea of mistakes and oopsies And by opposing end them. − Hamlet (well, kinda')

But how many adult children of helicopter parents have been interviewed?

Hi, my name is Lenora Thompson and I survived thirty-one years of helicopter parenting...barely.

How my folks helicoptered is detailed on my PsychCentral blog. Suffice it to say, I could hardly do anything nor hardly go anywhere for thirty years, at least, not without a lot of paranoiac hoopla. But that's not the point. What fascinates me is the “why” behind the “wherefore.”

Why Helicopter?

Why did they helicopter? Oh, I know their stock answer. It's the same answer all helicopter parents give:

 “We just love and care about you.”

There are variations, but the gist is always the same:

“You don't know how foolish my children are,” sniffles one mother. “They need my guidance to reconnoiter the labyrinth of life.”

“I screwed up my life,” growls a father, “and I'll be danged if my son screws up too.”

“I just don't want her to get hurt,” mourns another mom. “Failure is so painful! I don't want her to experience that pain.”

Let's Talk Motivation

Is it just about love? Just about care? Or could there be more going on here?

Helicopter parents seem to have a microscope turned on their child. Wait! Take a second look. That isn't a microscope they're holding. Well, I'll be danged! It's a mirror. They think they're seeing their child, when actually, they're seeing themselves!

Still with me? Hang in there. Let me explain.

If my parents are anything to go by, helicopter parents have done a very good job of teaching their children how to successfully navigate the challenges and pitfalls of life. And their children have absorbed more of that teaching than they're letting on. Yes, they were listening. But they'll be damned if they admit it!

You may have been a naive, foolish young adult..but your child isn't. Give yourself a pat on the back. You've done a good job of raising them and they're wise beyond their years. Believe it! Have a little faith in yourself as a parent and in your child's inherent goodness.

You may have screwed up your life, Dad, but your son won't. He's been watching you like a hawk and he's learned from your mistakes. He's not going to blunder into the same pitfalls.

What about failure?

Let me tell you about failure. If we don't count coming in 2nd place in an Elementary Spelling Bee and flunking out of every Geography Bee, my first experience of failure came at age eighteen.

At that age, it comes as a shock. You haven't learned how to process failure in your formative, pliable years. You never learned to fail gracefully and still be “okay” inside. It hurts to be blind-sided by your first failure at age eighteen. It ain't pretty. It ain't nice.

I flunked my first driving test.

There was a time I was too mortified to talk about my first failure. I cringed at the very thought. But now, I can talk about meeting my Waterloo in parallel parking with a twinkle in my eye. 

In retrospect, the most painful part of this failure was my terror anticipating my father's reaction. Only slightly less painful was bringing shame on my family in the eyes of the relatives. So far, I'd been a high-flying success, making my parents proud as they waved my every accomplishment under the noses of all and sundry relatives.

But not now. I had failed. FAILED!

Dad Took It the Hardest

Dad put himself in time-out after my failure. He laid down in a darkened room for about an hour to recover from “my” failure. I expected an explosion of rage, but thankfully, it never came. In fact, he blamed the whole thing on himself.

Wait...what!?!

How did my failure become my Dad's failure?

Remember the Mirror?

Now we've come full circle. You see, my father is a narcissist. Like many narcissists, he has low self-esteem. He compensates by confusing me with himself. He buoys his non-existent self-esteem by attaining higher and higher levels of excellence as a parent. My successes are his successes. Logically, it follows that my failures are his failures. With zero self-esteem to fall back on, he couldn't tolerate the pain and shame of my driver's test failure. It devastated him much more than it hurt me.

Children's Choices

Not only do helicopter parents fear their child's failure, but they also live in terror of their child making a poor decision. Marrying the wrong person. An unwanted pregnancy. Embarking on the proverbial life of crime.

Yes, they love their child. But we're not talking about normal, well-balanced love with a sense of proportion and a side-order of humor. No! There's the flavor of desperation in the air.

In their youth, they may have made poor choices they regret. Justly or unjustly, they may have shifted the blame onto their parents, mentally accusing them of “lack of guidance” resulting in their own poor choices. They'll be damned if their child makes any mistakes that could be blamed on them, that might reflect on their skills as a parent which forms so much of their self-esteem. They'll be damned if their child makes any poor decisions that might prove embarrassing.

Paralysis. Misery. Anger. Low Self-Esteem

What happens when you're no longer around to tell your child exactly what to do?

I can tell you exactly what happens, because it happened to me. I was paralyzed. Faced with making my newly purchased 1912 run-down house habitable, I froze in an agony of paralysis. Mommy hadn't prepared me for this situation. She'd told me how to do everything else...but not this.

I'd always been required to use clairvoyance to “live in my Mom's brain” and do everything exactly as she did it. But she'd never told me how to handle this crappy scenario!

I'd never learned creativity. I'd never learned initiative. I was miserable, frozen, paralyzed. My self-esteem was in the gutter. It took quite awhile for me to overcome that horrible paralysis, pull my head out of my ass and develop my own ways of doing things.

And was I ever mad. I was steamed! For thirty years, I'd been questioned, interrogated and shamed. For thirty years, I'd had to think with Mom's brain and never develop my own creativity and initiative. For thirty years, I was forced to live with them, with curfews that would've shamed a 12-year-old. For thirty years, my parents projected ever vice onto me, whether I had it or not!

As far as I'm concerned, helicoptering hasn't helped me at all. In fact, it (nearly) ruined my life!

Don't Drive Them Away

In the final analysis, helicopter parenting is all about the parent and their needs. It has little to do with the child.

Remember the old adage: If you want something very, very badly, let it go free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with.

Don't be like my parents. They don't have a daughter anymore. They're helicoptering was one of the biggest dynamics that drove me out of their lives...permanently.

 

You may also be interested in these posts:

Six Important Rules for Parenting Teenagers

A Primer on Child and Adolescent Anxiety

Teenage Suicide: Warning Signs and Prevention

Socializing in Cyberspace: How to Balance the Influence of Virtual World on Children and Teens

Effective Discipline Methods for Proactive Parenting

 

About Lenora Thompson

Lenora Thompson is a well known psychology blogger, writer, editor, and graphics designer. Lenora's humorous and sarcastic writing is largely influenced by her personal childhood experience of being brought up by narcissistic parents who "helicoptered" her for over 30 years. Lenora's writing was published by Huffington Post, Psych Central, and many other online media sites and local publications. It is important to remember that Lenora Thompson is not a mental health professional and her pieces of advice on relationship and parenting are her personal opinion.

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