How to Support Gifts and Challenges of Our Children

Joyce Marter | December 4, 2017

“We are all gifted and we are all disabled.”

These were the remarks of a developmental psychologist who I heard speak at a workshop.  What a powerful reminder that as part of the human condition, we are each blessed with unique gifts, abilities and talents, and we each experience our own challenges in navigating life.

What does this mean for parents? 

After more than 20 years of counseling individuals, couples and families, and being a parent myself, I believe it means that it is our duty to identify and nurture our children’s gifts, and also equip them with the skills to best manage their difficulties.  We have been bestowed the honor of shepherding our kids through their childhood and adolescence, preparing them to survive and to thrive in their adult life journeys, when we will continue to love and support them from the sidelines.

How to identify and support the strengths of our children 

1. Notice your child’s natural gifts. Don’t force the strengths you want to see. It’s natural to want our kids to succeed in the ways that we had always hoped to thrive. Resist the urge to feed your own ego by living vicariously through your children. Instead, accept them as they are and notice what is innately special about them. Perhaps it is in art, scholastics or athletics. Or maybe it is some different way like leadership, organization, problem solving, empathy, communication, conflict resolution, etc.

2. Ask for input from others on what they see as your kid’s strengths. Teachers, coaches, friends, family and counselors can provide very useful input.  Listen to what they say, not necessarily what you want to hear.  Consider online tools such as strength finders assessments or a gifted screening test.

3. Support the gifts they love, not necessarily ones they naturally excel at but don’t enjoy. Forcing your kid to practice an instrument they don’t want to play or playing a sport they hate is going to create a power struggle and misery for each of you. Expose them to many different experiences and support the things to which they are naturally drawn.

4. Understand kids can have multiple gifts and strengths. Support all of them and let them naturally take their course. For example, at some point, your child might have to choose between volleyball and soccer or maybe a coach will make that decision for them. In an effort to promote critical thinking and empowerment, coach your kids through making choices themselves, rather than making the choices for them.

5. Beware of your biases and set them aside. Resist biased tendencies such as discouraging art out of fear of financial viability or supporting only interests that are within traditional gender norms. Recognize that your limited thinking may limit your child’s potential. Open your mind and open your heart and support your child.

6. Recognize the tendency to want to protect your kids from failure. None of us like to see our kids experience rejection or failure. We might have the best of intentions in telling them not to try out for something we think they have a small chance of achieving. But if we don’t believe in our kids, who will?  Instead, provide them with positive support balance with being a neutral voice of reason in preparing them for realistic expectations. For example, “I believe you can do it!  If it doesn’t work out, its okay because we know its very competitive. Good for you for having the courage to put yourself out there and best wishes!”

7. Provide positive “mirroring” and affirmations. Verbalize what you see their strengths are (i.e. “you are kind”, “you are patient”, “you are articulate.” Understand that kids need to hear three affirmations for every critique. Express loving sentiments.

8. Remember that your tone often becomes the voice of their self-talk. Avoid fueling their inner critic and become the voice of positive support and compassion. Provide positive coaching and feedback.

9. Provide nurturing and support but avoid pressure. Devote time and resources to supporting your kids’ gifts and talents.  Help them identify role models or heroes.  Assist them in finding mentors. Find balance in promoting strengths, encouraging resiliency and letting go. Control what you can (yourself, your actions and behaviors) and let go of what is out of your control (your kids’ actions, choices, behaviors and outcome.)

10. Help them visualize positive success but also accept them as they are. Help them avoid setting their own ceilings with self-limiting beliefs and to aim for the sky! At the same time, convey the message that they are exactly as they should be, you are proud of them, you love them just the way they are and always will.

 

How to identify and support our kids’ challenges 

1. Understand our children are human and will have their issues and this does not mean we have failed. Do not personalize their challenges. Our kids’ having difficulties, whether it is in learning, behavior, or mental health/addiction, does not mean we are bad parents or have failed.  Detach from ego and practice compassion.

2. Appreciate the importance of recognizing their challenges. For some, it may be an obvious special need or physical or learning disability.  For others, it may be difficulty dealing with spontaneity and functioning better with routine, structure and a plan. Or difficulty recognizing and advocating for their own needs. Or needing alone time to refuel and reboot before tackling the challenges of school and social obligations.

3. Detach from fear and trust in the process. It’s normal to be afraid that our kids’ challenges will bring them hardship. Avoid fearful, negative thinking and writing fiction about the future and stay firmly rooted in the present moment through mindfulness practices.  Understand that things will unfold exactly as they will and all we can do is provide support and resources.

4. Understand it is normal to get frustrated and practice empathy. Sometimes we can see how our kids could make their lives easier if they just did things differently (i.e. our way!). Avoid judgment. Practice empathy and put yourself in their shoes. Imagine how it feels for them. Strive to understand their perspective.

5. Provide tools and resources. Work with your kids’ doctors, teachers and counselors to access resources and tools that will help them cope and succeed.

6. Resist the urge to be a “helicopter parent” and allow your kids some space to figure things out. Reflect confidence that you believe they are capable.  Empower them and learn to unplug and let be.

7. Access support. Tap into the support of family, friends and community resources. Ask for outside perspective and recommendations. Investigate support groups for your child or for parents of kids with whatever particular challenges your child has.   

 

Taking the next step

There are special psychological tests that can help parents identify child's strengths and weaknesses. One of them is Cognitive Profile Assessment that is specially designed to evaluate child's aptitude in the areas directly affecting academic success. These include visual-spatial, verbal-linguistic, quantitative, and fluid reasoning, visual attention, working memory, motor control etc.

If you suspect that your child is gifted, a Gifted Assessment based on WISC5 (age 6 and older) or WPPSI4 (age 4 and 5) is recommended.

If your child has learning difficulties, a Psychoeducational Assessment may help identify the problems and suggest alternative learning strategies based on child's strengths and weaknesses.

Child psychologists are experts in identifying problems in child's development and helping mitigate these through therapy. Therapy can be preventative and proactive. Psychologists can collaborate with teachers, coaches, tutors and other individuals who are part of your child’s support system to make sure your are all working together to set your kid up for success.

 

 

About Joyce Marter

Joyce Marter is a well-known psychology blogger and practicing psychotherapist. She is a Chair-Elect for the Midwest Region of the American Counseling Association and the Past-President of the Illinois Counseling Association. If you liked this article you can read more in Joyce's blogs at Psych Central and Huffington Post.

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