Parenting a gifted child is a delicate balance: You know your child has incredible potential, so naturally, you want to see her live up to it. At the same time, however, you’re probably aware that gifted children are highly sensitive and tend to be hard on themselves… Meaning that parental enthusiasm and guidance can easily feel like crushing pressure to them if it’s delivered too forcefully.
Finding the right middle ground between authoritarianism and neglect is challenging, but ultimately crucial if you’re the parent of a gifted child. Children who feel "pushed" don't tend to flourish as well as children who have a strong sense of their own agency. Too much pressure contributes to anxiety (especially in gifted children, who tend to harbour a deep fear of failure) and sometimes leads to academic apathy, depression, or rebellion. Conversely, however, overly lenient parenting leaves children without a sense of direction... And it may even convey the message that you don’t care about your child’s successes. Remember: Just because your gifted child seems independent, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need your support and counsel.
How, as the parent of a gifted child, do you know if you’re being harmfully pushy or too “hands off” with your child? When is it correct to step in and offer incentives or administer discipline to a child who really isn’t trying very hard, and when is this kind of intervention likely to backfire? Knowing your individual child is, of course, essential to answering these questions. However, there are some techniques you can employ to help you differentiate the former situation from the latter:
1. Choose your battles wisely
Not all tasks are equally urgent or important. Pushing your child to complete every single homework assignment she has—even when she’s legitimately tired or stressed—is needless and suffocating (particularly if her grades are strong overall). Giving her a nudge to work harder or accept tutoring if she’s failing a class, on the other hand, is entirely appropriate.
Before intervening to offer incentives or introduce consequences, you should always ask yourself how important the immediate task is. You should also consider your child’s age (a teenager should generally be responsible for her own homework, for example, whereas a six year old should not), temperament, and situation. If your child is struggling with social or emotional issues (both of which gifted children are more susceptible to), it’s often wise to step back a bit and let her “breathe,” within reason.
2. Think about the effect your involvement will have on the situation
If your child isn’t doing as well at something as she could be, she’s probably struggling. The culprit might be insecurity, anxiety, procrastination, or just difficulty estimating how much effort is needed to succeed at a given task. Whatever the issue is, you should be there to help, not criticize. You should provide limits and support, assist in goal-setting, and maintain a willingness to listen to your child’s point of view at all times. Remember that motivation (and success) need to be collaborative: You can’t literally force your child to be interested in something or do well at something, but you can inspire her.
Additionally, you should be willing to go back to the drawing board and start over if you see that your approach isn’t working. Don’t stubbornly press on just for the sake of trying to prove that you’re right or that you’re the one in control. If your child seems very distressed while trying to complete a task, there’s probably a valid reason—and you need to pay attention. Other signs of trouble include your child starting to rely on you completely, or conversely, totally digging her heels in and refusing to comply at all. If these things occur, you need to step back, investigate what your child is feeling and why, and cooperate on devising a better solution.
3. Think long-term
Children aren’t adept at long-term "big picture" thinking, so you’ll have to provide this type of wisdom and perspective. As you help your child set and reach goals, you need to keep a clear hierarchy of priorities in mind. Your child’s emotional integrity and your relationship with your child should, of course, come before academic achievement. Don’t set unrealistically high expectations for your gifted child at the expense of her confidence, sense of security, or trust in you. Let her know that it’s okay to “mess up” as long as she keeps trying.
You should also know when to expect bumps on the road as your child grows older and adjust your expectations accordingly. Many gifted children are very high achievers in elementary school, then start to struggle suddenly in middle school or high school. There are often real reasons for this: Your child is probably used to succeeding at school with little effort, so the harder curriculum may make her suddenly feel overwhelmed and inadequate, for example. Additionally, social problems can play a role in gifted kids floundering during their teen years. Undiagnosed learning disabilities often become evident once schoolwork becomes more challenging, too. Sometimes you’re going to need to adapt with your child and accept setbacks; applying pressure at these times almost always does more harm than good.
Finally, you must understand that it’s vital for your child to have control over her long-term goals. Gifted children—being as perceptive as they are—quickly become discouraged and disillusioned if they feel like they’re a puppet being pushed to serve the goals of their parents or educators. Let your child be the captain of her own ship and accept your role as her rudder; this supportive approach will allow her to build a sense of autonomy, confidence, and resilience… Qualities that typically predicate lifelong success.
Author: Rachel Cohen
This is a guest post by Toronto psychotherapist Rachel Cohen. Rachel is very knowledgeable in giftedness, after completing her Master’s Degree in Psychology at the University of Nevada, she worked for 3 years at the Davidson Academy for Gifted Children. You can follow Rachel on Twitter at @RachiieCohen
Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Nov 22, 2018
