It's natural for parents to get somewhat desperate when faced with a stubborn child, and to escalate the severity of rules and punishments in the hope of provoking obedience, but as most parents know, this approach is hit-and-miss at best.
It's ultimately more effective to have a ready supply of clear, enforceable rules memorized beforehand, so that one can apply them to such situations while keeping one's cool. To aid struggling parents in this endeavour, I suggest the following easy-to-remember rules and policies as well as the list of applicable situations:
Rule #1: If the child is to be allowed in the room while the parent is working, the child must also work.
Situation: Your children frequently get in the way or hassle you while you are attempting to do chores.
Children often don't respond well to being asked to simply join in the chore at hand (i.e. “If you help me do the dishes, we can do what you want to do sooner”), as they know the parent will inevitably finish the chore anyway. Likewise, children who are forced to help in a task are seldom truly helpful.
Children do, however, tend to want to be around their parent(s) as much as possible, hence the tendency to hassle them as they work. Ergo, if you give the child a choice between helping or leaving the room, they will often choose to help—and do it willingly.
Rule #2: The parent or parents' “working hours” have a set end, such as seven or eight P.M.
Situation: Smooth bedtimes and getting “time off” at the end of the day is proving difficult.
Trying to make bedtimes go smoothly each day is seldom effective—children are master manipulators when it comes to finding reasons to delay slumber—which can lead to parental “burn out” due to having no down time at the end of the day.
If rather than trying to tell everyone else what to do, you make a rule about yourself, however, the whole situation changes. Suddenly, the household will clamour to make all of their requests for your time before the deadline is up (such as to read stories, play games, give baths, etc.), resulting in a wonderfully routine bedtime.
If you feel your children likely won't respond well to this rule if it comes purely from your own authority, you can try this trick: Invent a story declaring that a higher power, such as the Department of Labour in your country, has created a rule about working hours that demands parents cut out at a certain time. Act like the entire affair is out of your hands and there is nothing you can do about it.
Rule #3: Each child gets what he or she gets—the end.
Situation: Multiple children frequently haggle over who gets the best treat, the best cup, etc.
Many children are taught the value of fairness, and subsequently try to use this knowledge to their advantage: “It's not fair that my sister gets a better treat than me!”
If a parent gives in to such reasoning—not wanting to show favouritism—that unfortunate parent often enters into an endless cycle of bargaining over each new thing granted to his or her children.
It's ultimately better to teach one's children the nature of reality: Life is not fair, and one must learn to accept this fact without throwing a fit. Getting something is better than getting nothing, and one ought to learn to be grateful for what one receives, rather than go through life with an entitled attitude. People who learn to be grateful have been proven to be happier people, so your children will grow up to be more positive if they learn how to give thanks without comparisons from a young age.
Rule #4: Children may make all the noise they want—in an appropriate place.
Situation: The parent is frequently distracted by children yelling, chanting, singing, etc., finding it difficult to make phone calls or complete tasks.
It's normal, as a parent, to not want to “shut down” your children's joyous antics, or to simply dismiss them when they're complaining or throwing a tantrum, but the constant noise inevitably proves to be maddening to even the most patient person. Ergo, it's ultimately best to compromise—pay a few minutes of attention to your children's songs and so on, then tell them they can make all the noise they like in a more suitable location, such as the backyard. This way children do not feel rejected, or like they are being forbidden from having a good time.
Rule #5: Purchases get a “yes” or “no” answer, with no further discussion. You will not argue about money.
Situation: Children often nag or wheedle for items that they wish to own.
Every parent dreads having to argue with a child about why they simply cannot afford to buy said child the game console, toy, “cool” item of clothing, etc., that they want. To end such discussions, have a principle in place of giving simple “yes”' or “no” answers when a child requests something new to be bought, and if the child persists, calmly but firmly repeat that you will not argue about money (and adhere to it—you must not cave in to arguing). This prevents you from getting into endless debates on why or why not the child “deserves” to have the thing he or she wants.
The caveat here is that it's also highly recommended that you allow your children (within reason, of course) to spend their own money on what they want, even if you don't think they are making the wisest decisions. This makes this household rule universal, and allows children to learn from their own poor spending choices—plus, you will argue even less with them while shopping.
Rule #6: When a child speaks to you disrespectfully, say that you cannot understand them when they speak in that manner.
Situation: A child has developed a tendency to whine, scream, be rude, or otherwise unpleasant when trying to get what he or she wants.
This rule requires a large amount of calm and consistency in order to be effective, as children are not known for their innate self-control. With time, however, they will learn, if you proclaim incomprehension every time your child rudely orders you to do something, is needlessly whiny, angry, etc. Repeat the statement quietly, so that things don't escalate, and don't let yourself be pushed into raising your voice. Children resort to these negative behaviours in a bid for attention and drama, so it's essential not to give them much of either.
This rule teaches children that they can contribute something of value to conversations, if they remember to consider and respect the other person as well—an excellent communication tool.
Rule #7: Boredom does not exist.
Situation: Children frequently complain of boredom and seek to be entertained.
Children, especially in this digital day and age, tend to get accustomed to looking outside themselves for mental stimulation. This not only leads to frequent nagging and whining, once the computer and TV have ceased to yield anything of interest, it also leads to children getting into the habit of mental laziness.
To get children thinking about how to shift themselves from indolence—rather than expecting someone else to do it—claim that there is no such thing as boredom when they start to complain about being bored. Remain firm in your stance until the child is left with no choice save to provide his or her own amusement. This tactic places the challenge in the situation on the child—immediately shifting the dynamic so that the child must exercise his or her mind, both in figuring out how boredom can simultaneously exist and not exist, and in productively self-tasking. However, keep in mind, that children follow the parental model, not the preaching. Look at how you entertain yourself when you have free time. Do you immediately turn to electronics, shopping, or food? How do you entertain yourself during unstructured times, such as car rides, waiting in a doctor’s office, during vacations? Teach your children simple fun games that don’t require special equipment and can be played anywhere.
You may also be interested in these articles: "Effective Discipline Methods for Proactive Parenting" and "How to Choose Discipline Methods that Help Your Child Grow"
Image Credit: www.flickr.com/photos/hamedmasoumi/887185164
