Trying to discipline your child can be a difficult and ever changing world of frustration for all involved. When your child has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome it can be as difficult to create rules and boundaries as it is to determine effective consequences. Often, a child with Asperger’s sees the world in a different way than his peers. Using discipline techniques that may be popular with parents of neurotypical children can make a situation with your child more complicated, confusing, and volatile. Every child is different so it is important to adjust your discipline style according to your child personality and condition.
The most important part of establishing effective discipline is to create an environment with very clear rules. A child with Asperger’s is more likely to see the world in absolutes without many shades of gray. It is important to define the rule precisely and specifically, considering the possible exceptions to the rule that could be a problem. For example, if there is a rule that there are no sweets before dinner, a child with Asperger’s can decide to eat an entire bag of potato chips because they are not sweet, when the rule was meant to keep the child from ruining their appetite for dinner. You must first consider why you have the rules or chores and what your ultimate goal is. If your child is able to discuss rules with you, it is a good idea to include them in the conversation. If not, be sure that your rules are clear and include any possible exceptions. It is important to have rules and expectations posted in a high traffic area in the home. If your child cannot read yet, you can work together to draw pictures that represent the rules with specific consequences. Involving your child in rule making allows them a sense of control and creates an opportunity to understand how your child interprets your rules. An example of a good rule for a child with Asperger’s is: No electronic devices powered on between the hours of 6:00 pm-6:00 am on nights before a school day. After creating iron clad rules it is time to determine consequences for breaking the household rules.
Finding a disciplinary plan that works for your child and family is important for any household. Children with Asperger’s usually have one or two subject matters or activities that they focus on and enjoy. In most cases, a child with Asperger’s will not consider being “grounded” as a punishment. The opportunity to be left alone, in their room, with their favorite books and toys is usually preferable to other activities. It might take a lot of creativity to find consequences that are effective. One suggestion is to put preferred toys or activities in time out, meaning those things can’t be touched or done for a specific amount of time. Missing a favorite show for a day or losing computer time are also ways to enact effective consequences. The most important part of creating consequences for a child with Asperger’s is for them to be clear, consistent, pre-made, and posted. How you enforce the consequences is also important. Often, the child will not maintain eye contact and may not realize that the tone of your voice or facial expression is indicative of your disappointment in their actions. Staying calm and using concise verbal or non-verbal cues works best. It can be easy to get pulled into a tug of war with an Asperger’s child whose anger can escalate rapidly. If your response is consistent, the likelihood of extended discourse is greatly reduced.
Determining what a punishable behavior is should always be on your mind with a child who has Asperger’s. Self soothing behavior, repetitive vocalizations, or not responding verbally are all part of the disorder and not due to disrespect. Certain behaviors can be annoying or agitating to family members but discipline will not stop these behaviors and may only serve to increase them. Parenting a child with Asperger’s requires behavior modification and teaching of appropriate coping skills. You must carefully determine when behavior is a purposeful disregard of expectations, as opposed to which behaviors are from the disorder. While you don’t want to wrongfully punish your child, you also don’t want to set a precedent where harmful behavior is overlooked. In the case that behaviors become violent, hurtful, or disruptive, an intervention has to occur but this can be in the form of distraction or redirection. Asking the child to explain, draw a picture, or write about why the behavior is bad and then discussing it allows the child to develop empathy. Often the child does not understand how their behavior affects others and needs help relating their actions to social consequences. Simply disciplining these behaviors will not lead to an improvement because a child with Asperger’s needs to connect cause and effect.
Although disciplining a child with Asperger’s requires some modifications and planning, starting early can build a good foundation and make discipline easier in the long run. Remember that the disorder creates unique challenges for your child so keeping your cool will pay off. The concept of right and wrong has to be consistently taught and reinforced in new situations because the child may not generalize expectations to new environments. Discipline still needs to occur in public and when your child is being cared for by others. Younger children might need a physical reminder of expectations in the form of an index card with the rules written on it. Once your child is older, a conversation about expectations could be sufficient before entering new situations, but each child is different. Bear in mind that even the best disciplinary plan will not offer complete success. The best result happens when a child is rewarded for the behaviors you want. Be sure to notice when your child is doing the right thing, without prompts, and immediately acknowledge and reward their actions.
Author: Anna Kaminsky
Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on May. 25, 2014
Image Credit: Paul Scott @ https://www.flickr.com/photos/daniellehelm/5155253218
