The Joy of Marriage
In most cultures wedding is considered a joyful moment in the life of the individuals. People “fall in love” and enter into relationships with great hopes and expectations for the future. Hollywood romantic movies are the best example of this idealized vision of the couples’ relationship in which they usually “live happily ever after”. This idealistic view of marriage however, fails to let people foresee the potential difficulties and the extreme complexity involved in creating a permanent couple relationship (married, unmarried, heterosexual or homosexual), in which many conditions have to be agreed upon and sometimes “painfully” negotiated.
The different schools of couple therapy have in common some basic focal points in viewing functionality and difficulties of any couple: 1) the fact that couples as human relationships are not static and tend to evolve according to the demands of the life cycle and the circumstances; 2) the relevance of the family of origin in creating unconscious patterns in relationships and the tendency to repeat stories from “unfinished business”; 3) the clash of personalities coming from unmet expectations and difficulties in fully recognizing and accepting the other partner; 4) issues of control or power struggles in the relationship; and 5) the relevance of communication, emotional attunement and conflict resolution management for the health and functionality of the couple system.
Individuals vs. Systems
It is well known that every person enters a relationship with emotional “luggage” coming from his/her family of origin. That luggage refers to all the conscious and unconscious determinations of every person including his/her history of attachment, desires, expectations, gaps, and cultural background. Individuals usually inadvertently choose relationships that seek to complement or compensate for previous childhood circumstances. Thus, sometimes relational patterns associated with their family of origin are expected to be played out with their current partner.
The systemic approach helps us view couples as a dynamic entity created by two people who represent larger systems rather than simply two “free” individuals getting together. Individuals come to the relationship loaded with their personal histories; the model of relating and parenting they witnessed as children; sometimes traumatic experiences; cultural expectations; their wants and desires; and their weaknesses. The negotiation of these determinations brings couples into the creation of a new family “system”, which in turn transmits similar determinations to their children.
Becoming a Couple
As with any other relationship, becoming a couple involves creating a “contract” with implicit and explicit understandings, and with conscious and unconscious conditions. The problem is that this contract is usually established during the romantic stages of the relationship in which love usually overshadows the “unwanted” things about the other individual and the ways in which he or she cannot or will not fully meet our loaded expectations.
Nonetheless, during the first period of the marriage, negotiating and establishing issues around routines, daily life, finances, friends, in-laws and sex will become unavoidable. Later in life, transitions such the arrival of children, job losses, sickness, rebellious teenagers and grief can add major stress to the marital system. If not negotiated or addressed properly, miscommunication, animosity and disappointment regarding unmet expectations can arise, affecting the couple’s dynamic and creating emotional distance between partners.
Common marital concerns are lack of communication, personality differences, irritability and moodiness, disagreements about parenting, issues with extended family, lack of trust, boredom, sex and infidelity, among others. Couple therapy is recommended in these cases.
When Couple Therapy is Recommended
It is common to seek professional help when communication between partners turns difficult and feelings of mistrust and resentment start coloring the couple’s space.
Typically, life cycle transitions are particularly complex to navigate. For instance, couples who had a comfortable relationship one on one find it difficult to handle the challenges that come with the arrival of a new born baby into the marital system to include a new member. Potential feelings of being left out for one of the partners (usually the father) might arise. In other occasions disagreements about parenting when children become challenging could undermine communication within the couple making individuals to start growing apart. This last situation happens frequently when children become teenagers and begin establishing their own personality. It is not uncommon in these cases that disagreements between parents generate feelings of anger and distrust in teenagers and thus facilitate their acting out.
The over involvement or over dependency on the extended family in one of the partners might generate mixed feelings in the other partner making him/her upset and disappointed. Blended families could be particularly challenging for the couples due to all the loyalty binds that are naturally prevalent in the family system (my kids v/s your kids). Other frequently challenging situation for couples is the “empty nester’s syndrome” (when children leave home) or stressful situations like losing a job or facing sickness. Sex dissatisfaction or lack of motivation for intimacy might also be a sign that other areas in the couple’s life are not working and professional help may be needed.
Couple therapy is recommended when partners seem to have exhausted their own mechanisms to communicate and negotiate with each other and resentment and bad feelings are growing up between them. These feelings render one person or both feeling unrecognized, undervalued and neglected. Individuals find ways to escape, i.e. becoming extremely busy at work or finding acceptable social ways to be away (like extreme volunteering or social activities) In other cases couple therapy is sought when partners are facing tough decisions (such as moving cities or countries), or simply when partners would like to have a better understanding of each other and want to move their relationship to a higher level. When one of the partners is wondering about divorce it is definitively a good time to take action and seek professional help.
The intervention of a third party in the form of a couple therapist would help partners to bridge the gap and work through relationship challenges and develop relationship building tools. The neutral observations and feedback of a therapist not only is seen as helpful but in most situations is a way of acceptance of the situation without feeling judgment or blame – a key foundation in rebuilding relationships.
Communication is the key ingredient for a success in couple hood. Dealing with relationship challenges head-on appropriately is recommended over avoidance and delaying relationship issues. Prolonged avoidance increases discrepancies and might potentially bring the couple’s problems to the verge of breakdown.
Couple Therapy
Marital or couple therapy is an intervention which facilitates resolving misunderstandings, and learning how to compromise, deal with conflict and develop a closer and healthier relationship with each other. This involves identifying and addressing hurtful patterns and behaviors; overcoming difficult cycles of interaction; becoming more emphatic and supportive with each other; and expanding each individual’s emotional awareness and connection.
In essence, couple therapy makes both individuals stronger by making them more aware of the invisible strings attached to previous family conditions and helping them learn how to communicate and deal with disagreements. Thus, it helps avoid passing unwanted conflicts to their children. The end result is a new marital scheme of conflict resolution and a healthier and deeper connection.
Author: Abraham Nehmad, MA Psych
Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/tudao/3042329277/
