Confidence, like education, provides an integral foundation for success, fulfillment, and happiness. A confident child will typically experience better interpersonal relationships, be more open to new opportunities, and have an enhanced sense of well-being. Likewise, children with a healthy self-esteem usually exhibit fewer behavioural problems.
As a child psychologist, I see an alarmingly high number of children with poor self-confidence. While growing up with unrealistic expectations based on Facebook and Instagram posts is certainly a contributing factor, poor confidence is often a multi-generational issue; parents who never developed a strong sense of self-worth struggle to engender confidence in their children. At the same time, they model insecure behaviours. As children learn primarily through observing their parents (and rely almost wholly on their parents to affirm their value), they easily inherit their parents' traits of habitual self-doubt and self-criticism. Though insecure parents often realize that they are insecure and wish to spare their children from bearing the same burden, their attempts to teach healthy self-esteem often miss the mark—or even backfire.
Parents should therefore begin the process of teaching their children confidence by defining what confidence is; it's not a well-moderated form of narcissism, nor does it lie in being arrogant, overly assertive, or aggressive. Instead, it's simply about having a healthy self-image: When a child or adult wakes up in the morning feeling capable, when she likes who she sees in the mirror, and when she has healthy boundaries and a robust sense of being loved, she can be said to be a confident person. To help your child achieve a healthy, stable sense of self-worth, try implementing the ten strategies outlined below.
Building Confidence In Your Child: The 10 Steps To Self-Esteem:
1. Work on your own self-confidence
Simply put, none of us can teach what we don't know ourselves, so to effectively engender confidence in your child you must first make sure that your own self-esteem is healthy.
How you do this will depend on your unique needs and circumstances. If, like most people, your level of confidence is neither remarkable nor profoundly low, researching confidence-building strategies and taking a “practice makes perfect” approach will likely suffice. Additionally, you should work with your partner, a trusted friend, family member, or counsellor to uncover any painful past events that have hindered your development and then seek healing. If, on the other hand, you struggle profoundly with poor self-worth and/or you experienced traumatic events during your youth that left your confidence badly damaged, it's best to seek the aid of a trained mental health professional.
Regardless of how you choose to work on your confidence, it will likely prove helpful to engage in the following exercise: As you look back and assess the good and bad parts of your childhood, get a pen and paper and (being as specific as possible) write down:
- What your parents did to build your self-image;
- Any parental actions, words, or behaviours that damaged your self-image.
Once you have created this list, you can proactively plan how to emulate your parents' helpful behaviours and qualities while also avoiding their harmful traits. If you find it extremely difficult to stop yourself from copycatting your parents' negative patterns, you should seek the aid of a professional.
Remember that the aim of this exercise is not to solidify any anger or resentment you may feel toward your parents; on the contrary, forgiving them is essential to healing.
2. Practice attachment parenting while your child is an infant
Though it's important to enact consistent discipline and avoid over-indulging an older child, babies are wired to need a great deal of parental attention. According to recent research, parental responsiveness—how quickly and how often parents respond to an infant's signs of need or distress—is key to building self-worth. When your baby is held frequently, worn close to your body, and fed and cared for on cue, she develops the perception that she is loved and valued a great deal. She also learns to expect to be “heard” by those around her, and as such, she will grow up being unafraid to express herself.
It's vital to note, however, that your baby doesn't need you to be superhuman—no one can be in two places at once and it's a fact of life that sometimes you won't be able to respond to her needs immediately. As long as you display an overall pattern of responsiveness, this won't be an issue, so don't worry unduly about circumstances you can't control. The more relaxed you are around your baby, the more safe and secure she will feel.
By the time your child is about two years of age, she will probably begin to assert her independence; at this stage, attachment parenting becomes less necessary and parents should begin to find a balance between responsiveness and setting healthy boundaries that teach their child respect for others. The attentive care she was given during infancy will have already formed a sense of self-respect and an overall feeling of well-being, giving her the strength she needs to begin seeking autonomy.
3. Give your child positive affirmation
How your child feels about herself will be shaped, in large part, by how you react to her: Do you praise her when she does well, forgive her when she makes mistakes, validate her feelings, and demonstrate empathy and compassion toward her? Or do you set the bar unrealistically high (e.g., responding to a “B” grade by asserting that it should have been an “A” rather than appreciating her effort) and negate her emotions?
Remember that it's surprisingly easy to accidentally invalidate a child's emotions or come across as critical, even if you mean well; children are sensitive beings. For instance, blithely telling your child that something deeply upsetting to her is “Not a big deal,” or that it will all be “Better tomorrow” is a form of invalidation, despite your kind intentions, because it minimizes her emotions and makes her feel foolish for having them. Ergo, all parents are advised to investigate affirmation techniques like compassionate curiosity, active listening, and empathetic discipline.
If you consistently reflect positive messages back to your child, she will not only grow up feeling confident and valued, she will also probably be (within reason) well-behaved. Children who feel secure relying on their parents for positive affirmation become deeply attached to their sense of being pleasing to their parents; as such, they react more strongly to indicators of parental displeasure when they misbehave and will often self-correct. Conversely, children who receive negative feedback regardless of how they behave are likely to act out frequently, both due to frustration and a desire for parental attention—after all, it's when they're bad that they get noticed.
4. Don't hesitate to play with your child
If your child approaches you and asks you to join in a game she's invented, researchers say that it's a good idea to set adult deportment aside and learn how to play again. While parents sometimes fear that acting as a playmate to their children will undermine their parental authority, this does not appear to be the case; instead, playing with your child will validate her interests and reassure her that she's worth your time and attention. At the same time, you'll be able to get to know her better (playtime is, after all, a firsthand demonstration of how she interacts; it may also reveal issues that are on her mind).
Don't treat playtime like a “chore” or something you are only doing to please your child; the more you enjoy joining in, the better your child will feel. While it's true that “child's play” can seem dull or repetitive to an adult, play-time is not without benefit: Playing with your child can give you a much-needed break from the stresses and complexities of adult life.
5. Address your child by name and make eye contact during positive situations
Many parents get into the habit of addressing their child casually (e.g. using a nickname, not looking at her while talking to her) until they become angry, at which point they suddenly switch to using their child's full name and making direct eye contact. This practice often backfires; not only does it teach your child that she will get more of your attention if she angers you, it associates negative feelings with a powerful self-identifier—her name.
Instead of doing the above, address your child by name when she has pleased you and take a moment to make eye contact; while it may seem like a small gesture, this will make your child feel important and recognized while also emphasizing the idea that her name and identity are connected to a sense of achievement. Likewise, a child who is unafraid of her own name will not hesitate to address others by name—an important quality to have in the adult workplace.
6. Encourage your child to develop her talents (and help her stay realistic)
Having a special talent—such as singing, being good at a particular sport, or drawing—is a powerful confidence-booster for any child. Research suggests that children whose talents are nurtured rebound more easily from failure and seek out new opportunities and challenges more readily.
In general, you should focus on what your child does well, rather than placing undue emphasis on those things she doesn't currently excel at; as her overall confidence increases, she will naturally work harder to make up for any shortcomings she has. The more capable your child feels, the less self-doubt will be able to hold her back.
That being said, parents are also valuable voices of reason; if your child is placing unrealistic expectations on herself, be sure to take her aside and remind her that you love her for who she is, not what she can do. Assure your child that no one is perfect—no matter how talented they are—and that's okay. Every time we make a mistake, we learn something new.
7. Keep an eye on who your child befriends
While parents are the primary builders of their child's self-worth while their child is young, as a child gets older, she will inevitably look to her peers for validation. While this is a natural part of growing up and ought to be accepted and encouraged, parents should also keep a watchful eye on the kind of people their child is befriending. This doesn't, of course, mean that you should try to “force” your child to be friends with only one type of person (e.g. only other straight-A students or only those who share similar values or religious beliefs), but you should stay vigilant and monitor how your child feels after hanging out with her friends: Does she seem happy and energized or upset and worried? If your child seems intimidated or put down by her current group of friends, it's likely best to intervene, find out what's going on, and try to steer her toward better influences.
One of the best ways to keep track of who your child is friends with and how her friends make her feel is to allow her to have her friends over as much as she likes (within reason, of course); while this can create a bit of extra work, it often pays off in the form of insight. Note, too, that as your child gets older, paying attention to the social environment at her school will become very important. After all, no matter how much you try to steer your child away from bad influences, if she's destined to encounter dozens of them at school each day, she will remain susceptible to adopting confidence-eroding behaviours and beliefs. Likewise, a poor social environment and substandard teaching often go hand-in-hand, meaning that your child is likely being deprived of appropriate adult role models if her academic environment is generally toxic. If you suspect your child's school is at the root of her social issues it's therefore a good idea to consider switching schools.
8. Don't place an emphasis on labels
Many children struggle with a chronic illness or learning disability, but while it's important to seek the appropriate treatment if your child has a condition that impacts her everyday life, placing too much emphasis on a child's label (even in a supportive way) often proves harmful. Using a label to describe your child causes her to associate said label with her identity, often to the point of eclipsing many other parts of who she is. This can cause your child to attach her self-esteem to her condition, to the point where if, for instance, her asthma or ADHD clears up as she gets older, she may feel lost without her label.
Instead of relying on labels to describe your child, teach her to embrace her whole self and explore her various unique traits. This will create a well-rounded and resilient sense of identity.
9. Start teaching responsibility early
Some parents shy away from giving their child chores and duties at a young age, feeling that their youngster should have time to enjoy “just being a kid.” However, research suggests that giving a child duties and responsibilities as soon as she is old enough to take on small tasks (usually by the age of three or four) is one of the best things parents can do to build their child's confidence. Children who are trusted from an early age to help out around the house (e.g. by making their own bed or drying the dishes) feel like a valuable, capable member of the family—someone of worth.
Parents should be sure to keep tasks age-appropriate, however; loading your child up with tasks that exceed her current ability level will have the opposite effect, making her feel incompetent. Start small—keeping in mind the fact that little children usually have a very limited attention span—and pick tasks your child has already shown an interest in. As she gets older, you can add more complex tasks, ideally keeping a “task schedule” on the fridge and giving her a reasonable allowance as a reward for all her hard work.
Remember that tasks shouldn't be limited to just what needs to be done around the house: Plan enjoyable jobs, too (preferably ones you and your child can do together). Ideas for fun “family jobs” include cooking together, planting a family garden, or making things that can be used around the home.
10. Encourage your child to express her emotions
When a child or adult bottles up hurt, worry, and upset, it slowly eats away at them—eroding their sense of well-being and self-worth. As such, the final step to raising a confident child involves not instructing, but listening: Teach your child that it's okay to open up to you, to express anything that's on her mind and rely on you to help her find solutions to her problems. (Remember, never shut your child down when she is speaking or belittle her emotions.)
You should also gently guide your child towards using emotional self-moderation techniques in situations where excess emotionality is not appropriate. Teach her to recognize, acknowledge, and accept her feelings without judgement, then take a deep breath and let them go for the time being if necessary. Visualization exercises are often helpful in this endeavour; for instance, you can suggest that she imagine putting the negative feelings in a box to unpack later when she's safe at home.
While it's impossible to control every factor that is likely to influence your child's self-esteem as she grows up, by creating a supportive home environment and implementing time-tested, research-based confidence-building strategies, you can give your child the strong foundation she needs to overcome life's challenges. The path to a positive self-image starts early, so hold your child often, don't hesitate to remind her that she's loved, and proactively nurture her talents and sense of responsibility. While it may be hard work at times, you will be rewarded with the joy of seeing your child flourish in diverse and astonishing ways.
Image Credit: William Stadler
