Every child, just as each parent, is different from another. A child may act out for numerous reasons, which include being tired, hungry, feeling ill or have a need that isn't being satisfied. The action may be with a punch, a kick or a push… it’s a way for your child to express that he/she is angry, overwhelmed or frustrated. In addition, as you try different strategies to cope with your child’s behavior, remember that what may work for your best friend’s child may not work for yours.
One of the best ways to deal with your child acting out aggressively is to remain calm throughout the experience (as trying as it may be). A child acting out aggressively is not something to take personally; you’re not a terrible parent and your child doesn't hate you (even if they scream it once or twice). When a parent reacts emotionally or even irrationally, it may encourage the child to compete with you in volume as well as in magnitude in order to “be heard”. Do not raise your voice, even if you feel you have no other way to try to get your child to stop; instead, stop talking, take a couple of moments along with a few breaths to regroup and begin speaking to your child again when you have gained composure. Young children have a great ability to feed off their parents’ emotions as well as emulate them; your child will be more apt to calm down when you’re calm.
Another important strategy to utilize when your child acts out aggressively is to be consistent. If you are a two-parent team, you need to make sure that your parenting aligns with one another (don’t undermine or act in spite of the other’s authority). A child will pick up on the disconnect; if your child knows that one of you is more likely to cave than the other when he/she acts out, your child will use it against that parent knowing he/she will get what is desired as a result. No parent wants to see his/her child upset, mad, unfulfilled or “suffering”, but these feelings are inevitable. As a parent, you want to make your child happy and give him/her everything you can, but those desires cannot be employed to calm your child down when they are acting out (even if you want to do anything to make your child stop). Furthermore, both parents must set boundaries and stick to them every time. Your child will learn what is expected when limits as well as consequences are consistent; if they aren’t, you may confuse your child or encourage them to act out in order to see which response he/she can elicit out of you.
When your child is acting out aggressively, make sure the consequences “fit the bill"; it’s not realistic to never let your child play with a favorite doll or go to a certain friend’s house for the rest of his/her life, no matter how mad or frustrated you are with your child at the moment. If you frequently take away your child’s ability to do or have something and a little while later allow for it, your child will quickly learn that your punishment has no standing. A consequence with a young child should be short; for very young children, use 10 minutes as the time to pay for a penalty and for older children, as long as up to a day. For example, issuing a “time out” should only be for 2-5 minutes. If you take something away from your child that is near and dear to them, he/she will be very motivated to have it returned. Convey the good behaviors that you wish to see from your child in order for them to occur. When they exhibit desired behaviors, praise them and reward them (for example, with what your child had taken away). Continue to voice positive reinforcement for a child’s good behavior (any time it occurs) in order to increase the likelihood of these behaviors being repeated. You can reduce the frequency that your child acts out aggressively if you praise and reward them for good behavior.
Another successful parenting strategy to apply when your child aggressively acts out is to teach your child about his/her emotions. The next time your child has an outburst, ask them questions to help both of you understand where your child is coming from, such as “Why are you angry?” and “Can you tell me what made you sad?”. Use age-appropriate language, but also build your child’s vocabulary to assist him/her in improving his/her emotional intelligence and ability to express emotions. For example, if Tommy’s friend, Jared, takes his toy and Tommy hits Jared, Tommy’s mother should first ask her son, “Tommy, why did you hit Jared?” Then, Tommy’s mother should continue by stating, “I understand that you’re mad that Jared took your toy, but what else can you do without hitting him?” It’s common for your child not to have a response, so use it as a “teachable moment”; Tommy’s mother should advise, “Tommy, why don’t you tell Jared that you are sad that he took your toy and ask him to give it back”. Parents need to take every opportunity to help their child understand and talk through their emotions, which will reduce the need to act out aggressively.
A child acting out aggressively is never a walk in the park for a parent; your patience and empathy will be crucial when these instances occur. Even adults have trouble with aggression when they are hungry, feeling ill or tired (or someone left dishes in the sink every night for a week), so remind yourself of this as you help your child work through his/her own aggression.
This article is a followup to Dr. Shenfield's post "7 Tips on How to Deal with Child Aggression".
Author: Anna Kaminsky
Article reviewed by Dr. Tali Shenfield on Sept 17, 2014
Image Credit: Andy Ciordia @ https://www.flickr.com/photos/ciordia/2537892547
