As most parents of boys are aware, the world of young men can be a confining, confusing place. Too many parents witness their sons giving up hobbies, learning to shun shows of affection in public, ceasing to focus on their academic success, and limiting themselves in various other ways which stifle their self-expression. Compounding this issue, the older boys get, the more difficult it becomes to reach them emotionally, to discuss what is going on in their lives and assess what can be done to help them deal with the intense social pressure they are obviously experiencing.
Likewise, parents often find themselves conflicted about how to guide their sons: While they want their children to be the unique individuals they are, irrespective of the expectations placed on them due to their gender, they also fear that if they do not encourage their sons to emulate traditionally masculine behaviours, they may be at risk of physical harm due to bullying. Parents often, with the best of intentions, suggest that their sons should be “tough” in the wake of teasing, that they “balance” artistic and intellectual interests with conventionally boyish activities like sports, and that they befriend other boys primarily.
Within the narrow worldview that boys are forced to conform to (usually by second grade), anything that may be perceived as “feminine” is a threat to one's safety and social standing. Behaviours as innocuous as smiling, politely greeting teachers, openly showing enthusiasm, and sharing hugs with friends are the potential subject of ridicule. As the concept of what constitutes acceptable behaviour for females has broadened, the definition of what is “girl-like” has become more nebulous, and boys are therefore left scrambling to identify “safe” behaviours. By middle school, the fear of being “different” is so intense that boys often exist in a strange limbo, outwardly willing to take frequent risks to impress their peers while being inwardly terrified of doing anything that deviates from the perceived norm.
While it's tempting to wholly blame the influence of the media for the aforementioned state of affairs, in reality, the roots of the myriad challenges faced by boys are deeper and more diverse than many people realize. Though the image of masculinity portrayed in popular media plays a role, the influence of parents, teachers, peers, and role models all coalesce to create our current limited idea of masculinity.
From the day they are born, little boys are treated differently than their female counterparts: They are held less often by their parents, they are picked up less frequently when they are in tears, and they often experience greater distance and reserve from their fathers than little girls do. As boys grow up, they are subject to a range of mixed messages—told on one hand that boys and girls are equal, and shown, on the other hand, that boys are still granted special privileges in many institutions. They consume media which is, 80-90% of the time, created for a male audience. While they are told to respect girls, they are given little opportunity to truly appreciate the value of the feminine, to view it as something acceptable to aspire to. This results in a great deal of wasted potential; just as only a small percentage of girls are wholly “girlish”, only a small percentage of boys fit the stereotype of “manliness”, and as such, many young men miss out on whole sides of themselves while attempting to conform to this narrow ideal.
The Impact Of Limiting Boys
While the rugged and resilient exteriors boys are taught to show the world often mask the suffering that results from trying to adhere to a restrictive view of masculinity, research reveals that boys are increasingly at risk due to the unrealistic expectations placed upon them. They are more likely to be physically harmed by peers, more likely to struggle academically, more likely to develop ADHD, more likely to commit suicide and acts of criminal violence, and at greater risk of becoming absentee parents later in life. Cases of sexual assault and abuse are on the rise (both male-against-female and male-against-male) and, according to researchers, many school shootings are the result of boys being unable to healthily express feelings of loss and rejection after being turned away by a girl. Males also typically experience far more severe homophobia than females do; indeed, this fear is so intense that many men who are not gay are often mislabelled as such, resulting in them sometimes taking extreme measures to “prove” their heterosexuality. Males are also more likely to die accidentally due to the risk-taking behaviours they are encouraged to perform in order to affirm their masculinity.
How To Raise An Emotionally Healthy Boy
Parents are anything but powerless in the struggle against the pressures that are being placed on boys; long before boys must face the messages of the media, of their peers, and of teachers and other adult role models, they look to their parents for support and guidance. Parents should therefore begin teaching—and modelling—emotionally healthy behaviour from the moment their children are born, and they should make sure that the emphasis they place on emotional health is stronger than the one they place on physical and intellectual accomplishment.
Boys should be encouraged to work well with others (adopting an attitude of cooperativeness rather than competitiveness), to express themselves emotionally to both parents, to assert themselves fairly rather than in a way that is bossy, controlling, or otherwise aggressive, and to know that it is okay to ask for help. Fathers should remain attentive to their sons and remember that it is important to model attitudes of gentleness, openness, and tenderness so that their sons understand such behaviours are acceptable. This is not to suggest, of course, that the maternal role should be minimized: Mothers are just as important to their sons as their fathers are, and because many women are better acquainted with how to express traditionally “feminine” qualities, mothers can do much to steer fathers and sons alike in the right direction.
Some additional tips for raising emotionally healthy boys include:
- Make attachment a priority. Both parents should focus on being emotionally “available” for their sons as much as is feasibly possible. Listen actively and do so without rushing to give judgement, criticism, or heavy-handed advice; act as your son's mentor, but allow him the freedom to make his own decisions and remain present to support him even when he makes the wrong ones.
- Provide balance. It's simply a fact of life that your son will be exposed to messages which encourage him to act “tough”, to use violence as a solution to his problems, and to sexualize females. While it's impossible to protect your son from such messages, you can help to make him more aware of them, and therefore more critical of them, from an early age. Point out where the video games and cartoons he likes typify male behaviour as aggressive, competitive, and combative, and where they represent females as sexual objects, then calmly and logically explain to your son why such views are harmful to both men and women. Don't forbid him from enjoying the things he enjoys, but do teach him not to take them at face value.
- Don't avoid the subject of sex. Parents shouldn't leave their son's sexual education up to peers as doing so sets their son up to form views about sexuality which are shaped strongly by peer pressure and the media. Instead, talk to your son as soon as he is old enough to understand the subject of sex, setting him up to dismantle the myths which surround male sexuality as he encounters them. Both parents should have an equal role in this process—boys will better respect women's sexuality if they learn about it with their mother's input and they will better understand their own if their father is present to provide his insights.
- Don't tolerate sexism and homophobia. The limiting attitudes inherent in sexism and homophobia come full circle to hurt straight males, who often grow up in fear of seeming “girlie” or “gay” if they do anything that is not archetypically masculine. As such, parents should make sure to dismantle sexist remarks when they hear them, to explain why homophobia is wrong, and to encourage their sons to befriend both sexes and interact with them in a way that is emotionally candid.
In summation, it's essential to treat your son not like a “little man”, but like a person. Do not try to mold him to fit the demands of society, but rather make him aware of the stipulations it places on masculinity and then raise him to be someone who has the confidence, humility, and insight to help change society for the better.
Image credit: flickr.com/photos/34547181@N00/5653340435/
