"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."
C.G. Jung, Integration of the Personality, 1939
The following is a true story, these incidents happened within minutes of each other.
I am doing shopping at the supermarket. Down aisle 12 is a mother rummaging through the deli section, pulling out packages of cheese and lunch meat, examining them and tossing them back, and not always in the position they came from.
Her little girl stands stiffly at her side, something in the child's body language screams tension. The child is eight, maybe nine. She stands ramrod straight, like a soldier at attention. Slowly, hesitantly, she reaches out and picks up a package and begins to examine it.
Her mother turns and slaps her hand, "Put that down! How many times have I told you not to touch things? You'll drop it on the floor. I'm not picking up after you."
Down aisle 5, are a mother, father and a little boy. The father can't seem to keep his hands off the kid. He jerks him here and there like a puppet, all the while lecturing the little boy, who can't be more than five, about how the family is in a public place and junior had better behave himself and not act up. Or he'll be punished as soon as the family is not in a public place. The father's diatribe is punctuated with the phrase "I won't have you embarrassing me!" every few seconds.
I head for the dairy section at the back of the store. Shortly thereafter, the mother and daughter pass by. There is the look of a tired old woman in the young girl's eyes. Then the air is pierced by a series of loud shrieks. Junior is now on the floor in complete meltdown and daddy is, of course, suitably embarrassed.
Are these parents from hell typical? No, they are not. Most of us don't treat our children this badly. At least we think we don't. And there are many things beyond bad parenting that can cause childhood meltdowns. They can come from frustrated desires or emotions that are unfamiliar and that your child cannot control. As adults, we often forget that the environment looks different to a child. It can be a beautiful place to run and play in and it can also be imposing and rather scary. Adults, including us, are so much bigger and stronger. Most meltdowns occur because the child simply can't deal with the world in one way or another. Something they want or maybe even need to control, is either out of their reach or too big for them. It can be anything from a father who doesn't want to be embarrassed to another child refusing to share a toy.
The key to understanding and stopping a meltdown is knowing why it occurred in the first place. That takes communication and sometimes considerable patience. You must keep quietly communicating until the reason for the meltdown is revealed, and then you have to continue communicating until it is resolved. Most parents are rather busy people and don't have that kind of time. Yet, there is no alternative.
It's good to remember that the world seems a much larger place to a child, and so problems that are trivial to you can seem insurmountable to a youngster. Such problems can include dealing with you. If your child causes you to be angry, you may forget the whole incident in a few minutes. But your child, who wants and needs your love to survive, may remember it for days. This is especially true of young children who have yet to built confidence in themselves.
Here are five things that you can do to help improve communication and prevent or minimize meltdowns.
1. Listen. I know this sounds like a no brainer, but many parents only listen to what their child is saying out of the corner of their ear. It's a habit that many parents develop, especially when a child prattles on and on. It takes a little practice, but you can determine when what your child is saying is important and not just youthful attempts at conversation. At those times, put down what you are doing and listen. You'll be amazed at how many tantrums you can prevent by just listening when it's important.
2. Don't gang up on the child. If the child has a problem, it's best that one parent handle it at a time. A child will open up to one parent when two would be intimidating. You should also avoid what I call the Tribunal Effect, where the parents and one or more authority figures are gathered around the child and discussing some problem as if the child isn't there.
3. Be objective. If you are angry, take some time to calm down before addressing the problem. This will prevent knee jerk reactions from both you and your child.
4. Keep communication lines open. Cutting communication is always a power grab, whether it's someone who interrupts what you're saying at work or you interrupt your child with judgments and comments. Be polite and listen. Remember how you felt the last time some jerk cut you off in mid-sentence.
5. Maintain an authority position. The best way to maintain authority is to use it sparingly. Exert your authority when it's important and not when it's not. If you've maintained your authority by using it sparingly, then your child will want to comply. But, if you've wasted your authority by issuing streams of petty directives, you leave them no choice but to revolt. Nobody, not even a five year old, likes to be pushed around.
What we forget is that, when dealing with our children, we are dealing with human beings. They are much more than programmable machines. Oh yes, they can be programmed, with enough repetition and perhaps enough force. But, what is the result of that programming? What are we creating? If you find yourself following repetitive behavior with your child, behavior that leads to a meltdown, then stop and realize that you are acting out your programming. You are doing to your child what was done to you. We are all naturally creative, we have imagination and the ability to retranslate our childhood traumas in new ways; nevertheless we will act out what was done to us.
Also, bear in mind that your child must contend with peer pressure and a society that is bent on turning him or her into a good consumer and an obedient worker. Reason is your child's best weapon against this onslaught. And the best way to teach reason is to act with reason. No one has had a perfect upbringing. We have all been crippled to some extent. But, that's not an excuse to pass it on. If your child has a meltdown, communicate and keep communicating until it is resolved. You don't have to blame yourself, or your child, your parents or society. Just deal with what's in front of you. It isn't always easy, but the rewards are great.
"What's done to children, they will do to society." - Karl Menninger
Image Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/35490291@N07/3889528397
